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Navigating Emotional Abuse in Romantic Relationships

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The contradiction is that it is hard to detect in comparison to other forms of abuse that are prevalent in romantic relationships such as verbal, physical, and financial abuse.

When someone is being verbally abused, we can evidence by the language and words the abuser uses, and the tone in which the abuser communicates. When someone is being physically abused, we can see the evidence through physical wounds, scratches, and other signs of physical fighting.

With emotional abuse, the abuse is often hidden, subtle, and insidious, yet very deeply damaging. It leads to very deep emotional scars. Emotional abuse can also happen in non-romantic relationships, such as friendships, sibling relationships, parental relationships, work relationships, and other non-romantic relationships.

Many people do not recognise they are in emotionally abusive relationships as the abuse itself is concealed, covert, and difficult to detect. At times it can be overt and systematic, in a way that both victim and abuser may not be aware of the abuse from one partner to the other, or towards each other.

Some of the emotionally abusive and toxic behaviours are done in the name of love, for example controlling who the partner spends time with, and therefore normalised. This means a lot of people in emotionally abusive relationships cannot detect whether they are being emotionally abused or not. If a partner is insecure in themselves, it’s easy for them to misconstrue emotional abuse as a form of love and care, which makes them vulnerable to emotional abuse.

As an individual and couple’s therapist, l have seen many people who come to therapy unaware of the emotional abuse, yet they are suffering as a result of it. They only realise the nature, and extent of the abuse when they start therapy and begin working on themselves.


The psychodynamics of emotional abuse

An emotionally abusive relationship is where the abuser (partner one) uses emotions to control, dominate, manipulate, isolate, frighten and intimidate the victim (partner two). According to Dr John Gottman, emotional abuse intersects with domestic violence; this means that people who are emotionally abused may also experience domestic violence; however, some may not. The ones who do not experience domestic violence along with emotional abuse may remain unaware, and ignorant of the abuse they are experiencing, with hugely damaging effects.

The Office for National Statistics (ONS) reports that between March 2021- March 2022, 2.4 million adults (of which 1.4 million were women) were victims of domestic abuse. Although these statistics are on domestic abuse, they highlight how common partner abuse is in relationships. And many of these people would be experiencing emotional abuse.

The impact of emotional abuse is long-lasting – it affects one’s sense of self, reality, values, and sense of what is right and wrong. The impact of emotional abuse does not only end in the relationship with the abuser but permeates into future relationships. It erodes one’s sense of self, self-esteem, and self-worth. And shakes one’s identity. Emotional abuse can negatively impact one’s mental health and it can lead to anxiety, depression, insomnia, disordered eating as a way of coping with difficult feelings, and other physical health issues secondary to stress.

There is a myth that men do not experience emotional abuse from women. Men do experience emotional abuse from women, and emotional abuse is prevalent in same-sex relationships.

Older adults and elderly couples also experience emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is more widespread in some cultures within ethnic minority communities where there is shame attached to ending relationships or divorcing, and men are seen as patriarchs who are unchallenged. This often leads to many partners being locked up in emotionally abusive relationships which is hugely damaging to them, and their children who grow up in an emotionally unhealthy environment. Secrecy and the circular nature of these communities leave this abuse unaddressed and normalised.


What happens in emotionally abusive relationships?

In an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser is typically someone who is very insecure in themselves. Therefore, through emotional abuse, they cease control of the relationship and their partner. Emotional abuse becomes a tool for the abuser. The abuser (partner one) develops sophisticated ways of relating to the victim (partner two).

The abuser’s focus is on the victims’ feelings – making the victim feel inadequate, small, and inferior. For example, making the victim believe that they can never find someone else who will love them and that they deserve how they are being treated.

The abuser often uses techniques such as blaming, shaming, invalidating, belittling, gaslighting (denying your reality), manipulating and other controlling behaviours. Stonewalling where one partner gives the other the silent treatment is also a form of emotional abuse as the abuser is using emotions to cause harm. The victim may also be made to feel unsafe and worried about their safety and well-being.

If the victim is not cognisant of the abuse, which is often the case, they are left believing that whatever is happening is their fault-they deserve to be treated the way they are. This leads the victim to justify the abuser’s behaviours, no matter how bad it is. Justifying the behaviour also normalises it, and makes the victim receptive to the abuse — giving more power to the abuser. The victim becomes less and less able to exercise boundaries or self-advocacy. This puts the victim and abuser in a victim-abuser dynamic, or a sadomasochistic dynamic- a vicious cycle (Freud, 1920; Bloss,1991).

At a very unconscious level, the abuser derives pleasure from abusing the victim, while the victim derives pleasure from being abused, through a process of identification with the abuser (Klein, 1946). This unconscious identification with the abuser means pain derives pleasure in the victim. It is not unusual for the victim to make excuses and pardon the abuser because they are locked up in an identification relationship which is indeed perverse and toxic. People who are in co-dependent relationships (dynamics) are often in emotionally abusive relationships which is what keeps the bond between them.

Many people who have narcissistic traits tend to be emotionally abusive to their partners as they lack empathy and have no concern for their partner’s feelings. These are people who are likely to have grown up with parents or caregivers who did not pay attention to their feelings or disregarded them. As adults, they simply repeat what was done to them — lacking the awareness of the impact of their behaviour and being emotionally exploitative.


Signs of emotional abuse

  • Controlling behaviours – your freedom, how you spend your time, how you spend your money, where you go, what you do, etc.
  • Criticism – being made to feel like everything you do is wrong and you are at fault.
  • Emotional manipulation – being made to feel bad for things that you are not responsible for, deliberately doing something and turning it against you.
  • Gaslighting – being made to feel that you make things up and your feelings are an overreaction. Invalidating your feelings.
  • Belittling comments – making you feel small, inadequate, less than.
  • Blaming comments – blame for things going wrong in and out of the relationship or anything else that you are not responsible for.
  • Shaming comments – about the past, weight, family, or anything significant to the victim.
  • False accusations and emotional blackmail – making unfounded claims and using your past shortfalls to insult you.
  • Threatening behaviour – being made to feel unsafe, being threatened with violence, ending the relationship, cheating – emotional exploitation.
  • Isolation – being isolated from friends and family. Being made to believe that you depend on that abuser and need them.
  • Stonewalling – being given silent treatment as a form of punishment.
  • Withholding affection and physical intimacy.

How to deal with emotional abuse

  1. Develop ways of communicating your feelings and needs without blaming or being aggressive – mind the language you use. Start sentences with “l feel” not “You”.
  2. Avoid having to apologise for things that you haven’t done wrong. Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect.
  3. Step away from the victim role by setting boundaries with the abuser. You have a right to live life fully without your partner defining your boundaries.
  4. Have a life outside the relationship, with friends and family and pursue meaningful relationships and hobbies. You take back your power and control by doing this- it will make the abuser less powerful.
  5. Talk to people you feel safe and trust about your situation. Emotional abusers are very good at isolating their victims; therefore they suffer in silence.
  6. Join a victim support group for victim abuse. There is so much healing in sharing stories with other people who have a shared experience.
  7. Seek therapy individually or as a couple if you think you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Emotional abuse can have long-lasting effects and it may take time to recover from it. Be gentle with yourself.

References: 

Blos, P., Jr., (1991). Sadomasochism and the defense against recall of painful affect. Volume, 8 pp. 417–430.

Klein, M. (1946). Notes on some schizoid mechanisms. International Journal of Psychoanalysis 27:99–110

Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the pleasure principle. S. E., 18.

ONS: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwalesoverview/november2022 (Accessed on 26/04/2023)

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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London SE1 & Milton Keynes MK15
Written by Dr Joyline Gozho, Adult Psychotherapist (Individual & Couples) FPC, UKCP, NCS

Dr Joyline Gozho is an Adult Psychotherapist, Relationship Therapist, and Lecturer on a Psychotherapy course. She works with both individual and couples in private practice. She also runs relationship enrichment workshops with a particular focus on communication and emotional literacy.

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Trauma in Women’s Gynaecological Health Problems and Self-Care

Published on  Counselling Directory on the 20th April, 2023

COPYRIGHT CITY SANCTUARY THERAPY

No part of this website, including the blog content may be copied, duplicated, or reproduced in any manner without the author’s permission.  Any information, materials, and opinions on this blog do not constitute therapy or professional advice. If you need professional help, please contact a qualified mental health practitioner.

Trauma in women’s gynaecological health problems and self-care

Millions of women suffer from chronic, debilitating, and life-limiting gynaecological (reproductive) health conditions. The emotional distress, and the psychological impact of these conditions is largely ignored, as all the attention is given to the physical aspects.

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The treatment of these conditions takes a medical approach which prioritises their physiological needs and deprioritises the psychological aspects of these women’s reproductive health challenges. As a result, the trauma that is secondary to living with these chronic gynaecological issues is often overlooked. Living with these chronic health conditions also means adjusting one’s life in many ways, and redefining one’s identity due to the impairment they may cause.


Gynaecological issues

Gynaecological issues are gendered, as they only affect specific individuals who are born with the female anatomy and physiology. The hormonal changes which occur throughout the women’s life cycle, and the embodied anatomy and physiology, lend to some women and those assigned females at birth (AFAB), experiencing significant reproductive health problems.

Puberty spells the reproductive maturity where a girl becomes a woman. They start menstruating (having periods), and this is all down to hormonal changes (oestrogen and progestogen) which make them fertile and capable of conceiving and reproducing.

On the other end of the spectrum, women who are menopausal also experience a depletion of these hormones, which indicates that they are no longer able to conceive and reproduce. This means the onset of periods spells the beginning of gynaecological health problems for some young women, while the onset of menopause also brings its own host of challenges for older women.

There are other conditions that can develop throughout the woman’s fertility window, between the onset of menstruation and menopause. Some will end up with gynaecology-specified diagnoses and will need treatment and monitoring throughout their lives, while others suffer in silence. Many women and those AFAB who have fertility challenges, or are considered infertile, have underlying gynaecological conditions that impact their ability to conceive (WHO, 2023).

Some of the diagnoses women receive are:

  • fibroids
  • endometriosis
  • pelvic organ prolapse
  • polycystic ovarian syndrome
  • pre-menstrual syndrome
  • polycystic ovarian syndrome
  • ovarian cancers
  • infertility

Physical symptoms

These vary from person to person and the specific diagnosis, but mainly include:

  • heavy and painful periods
  • pain during sex
  • pelvic pain
  • irregular bleeding
  • bloated feeling/sensation
  • body deformity-distended tummy
  • miscarriages
  • fertility problems

Psychological aspects:

  • low self-esteem
  • low confidence
  • poor self-image
  • poor quality of life
  • loss of control-identity issues
  • hopelessness
  • anger and frustration
  • depression
  • shame
  • anxiety
  • mood swings
  • social isolation – social anxiety
  • sleep problems-insomnia
  • intimacy issues due to pain and discomfort
  • relationship breakdown secondary to intimacy and fertility issues

Financial aspect:

  • loss of earnings as many women take sickness days
  • some women seek private healthcare
  • the expense of buying adequate sanitary products

Trauma – the psychological impact of reproductive health issues

In 2022, the Royal College of Obstetrics and Gynaecology (RCOG, 2022) reported that more than half a million (570,000) women were on waiting lists to see a clinician, about their gynaecology issues, and they were experiencing poor mental health as a result. 80% of these women reported that their mental health was severely deteriorating, while 77% reported that their ability to function and engage with their day-to-day activities had been negatively impacted. This is all too familiar, from my perspective as a therapist and a woman.

The experience of most women who seek help for their gynaecological issues is worrying, and the lack of psychological support through this process is even more concerning. Many reports such as the article published by the BBC (2022) highlighted that many women feel that they were not listened to by their healthcare professionals when discussing women-specific health issues, while many others found it difficult to talk about their gynaecological health issues with their GPs.

Some reported being seen as faking or exaggerating their symptoms. Others were misdiagnosed or go undiagnosed. Many others reported that they were attended to by male physicians who could not relate to their distress, and there was a lack of empathy from professionals as their conditions are not seen in the same light as other health conditions (Essex et al, 2022).

Women also reported a lot of shame, embarrassment, discomfort, and a sense of intrusion in talking about their gynaecological issues to male professionals- their GPs and other specialists’ doctors who are male (Fisher, et al, 2009). This may be a result of the culture we cultivate around women’s gynaecological issues which are seen as taboo and shameful.

In some cultures, women who experience fertility difficulties because of gynaecological issues are often shamed and blamed. In certain African and Asian communities, there are negative beliefs about women who cannot conceive, or experience fertility issues. They are considered to be cursed or devilish, and infertility is their punishment or some sort of karma. They are seen as disgraceful & invalid. It is permissible for the man/husband to find another woman who can bear children for him.

Among numerous stories in the media addressing the crisis in women’s gynaecological health, the Guardian (2022) recently published a timely article highlighting that many women are dismissed by health professionals as their issues are seen as benign.

As a therapist, l have encountered many women and people AFAB who have gynaecological health issues, and their distress is undeniable. On many occasions, they present with the psychological aspects of living with these conditions such as stress, depression, anxiety, lack of confidence, poor self-esteem, and identity-related challenges. Relationship problems also develop due to the stress and strain of living with these conditions, and difficulties with sex and intimacy due to pain. Work stress is also real for these women who may need to take days off work when in crisis. They don’t always get the right support from their managers, who are most likely to be men. It is crucial that we acknowledge this hidden trauma and one that only affects women and people AFAB.


Tips on self-care:

  • If you suffer from any of these symptoms, know that you are not alone. Do not feel ashamed to seek the right medical attention that you deserve, to stabilise your symptoms and manage the pain and discomfort.
  • Self-advocacy is a big part of making sure you receive optimal care and treatment. It is never a bad thing to seek a second opinion in order to gain confidence in your treatment.
  • Seek specialist gynaecology referral, not simply GP care, if you are struggling with any of these health issues. Gynaecologists are specialists in the gynaecology field of medicine, and they are likely to approach your treatment in a more therapeutic manner.
  • Prepare a self-care pack to use during crisis periods. Some women can predict their crisis days depending on their cycle. Having a self-care pack ready will make the days easier than running around while in pain.
  • Try to remain active and do things that you enjoy. The debilitating nature of these conditions is likely to make you reclusive, which is not good for your mental health.
  • Educate yourself, your partner, and those closest to you on the condition you have, so they are aware, understand and can support you.
  • Obesity and high BMI is correlated with developing fibroids – try and manage your weight. Some people have found following a diet of natural and organic foods helpful as it is less likely to aggravate growth hormones.
  • Follow the treatment that you have been prescribed, and do not stop it against medical advice without discussing stopping.
  • Collaborative working – work alongside your physician, not against them. Plan your treatment together and ask any relevant questions you may have.
  • Join support groups for women with gynaecology issues and more specifically for the condition you suffer from. Some organisations run support groups. Endometriosis UK is a good networking place.
  • Seek therapy to process this trauma. While the symptoms you have are physical the psychological impact of it is real.

References:

  • Essex, H. Cream. J, Hanratty. B, Jefferson. L, Lamming. L, Maharani. A, McDermott, J.  Moe Byrne, T.  Spiers G., Bloor, K. (2021). Women’s priorities for women’s health: a focus group study, University of York: The Kings Fund.
  • Fisher. J, Astbury. J, Cabral de Mello. M, Saxena. S, (2009), Mental Health Aspects of women’s reproductive health: A global review of literature. World Health Organization: Who Library Publishing Fund.
  • BBC News, https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-62927751, (Accessed on 08/04/2023)
  • Royal College of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, https://www.rcog.org.uk/news/more-than-half-a-million-women-face-prolonged-waits-for-gynaecology-care, (Accessed on 08/04/2023)
  • The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/jun/02/dismissal-of-womens-health-problems-as-benign-leading-to-soaring-nhs-lists, (Accessed 08/04/2023)
  • World Health Organisation, https://www.who.int/n

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BAATN Conference 2023: Celebrating Diversity in the Profession

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No part of this website, including the blog content may be copied, duplicated, or reproduced in any manner without the author’s permission. Any information, materials, and opinions on this blog do not constitute therapy or professional advice. If you need professional help, please contact a qualified mental health practitioner.

 

BAATN Conference: Celebration of Diversity in the Profession

The main picture on this blog post was taken on the 16th April 2023, at a conference to mark the 20th Anniversary of the Black and Asian Therapy Network (BAATN). BAATN is an organisation which brings together therapists from Black and Minority Ethnic (BAME) backgrounds, offering support and opportunities to network, connect, reflect, and process our experience of being therapists in the UK. It seeks to amplify the voices of therapists and trainees and create a safe space for all its members. BAATN has many resources, including a directory of BAME therapists, newsletters, CPD workshops, mentoring programmes, bursary opportunities, jobs, and facilitates other educational pursuits. The 2-day conference was in Milton Keynes, and it was attended by up to 160 therapists from all over the UK.  I was only able to attend one day (Saturday); l regret not committing to attending the 2 days. Some may wonder why this conference was such a big deal. I hope by reading this post, you will get an idea of why it matters so much. The silent struggle of therapists from minoritized background needs to be heard.

 

Stepping out of my comfort zone

I do my very best to remain professional, and avoid  sharing my political views  or leanings in my work life. That’s my boundary.  But race as a concept is political indeed, and not talking about matters that relates to our lived experiences as black therapists would be me doing myself a disservice. I did not intend to write about my experience, prior to attending the conference. However, upon reflection and processing all day, l realise I needed to. For my own benefit, in order to put my thoughts and feelings into words.  My experience of the conference was very meaningful and enriching to me and everyone else in that shared space. I feel invigorated & replenished as a practitioner, having spent what was a very special time with people who knows what’s it like to be me. It felt like l was “home”, I didn’t have to sensor myself or edit what I say, how I say it & how l will be perceived. I felt seen & heard and we honoured each other. It reminded me of the significance of community.

 

Why does BAATN matter?

Black and Asian people have endured many centuries of suffering and subjugation- slavery, colonisation, Windrush etc.  The psychological impact and trauma of the dehumanising injustice and the festering wound of centuries-long racism cannot be overstated. Racism remains rife in our societies today. Therapy is about alleviating human suffering and distress. As BAME therapists we have continued in our work to support others in emotional and mental distress while carrying our own pain from our own lived experience of racism and discrimination. When the whole world went on a standstill, following George Floyds murder, we were part of it. We saw it on TV, just as you all did.  There was an influx of people coming to therapy to talk about their own experiences of discrimination and racism. It’s their trauma. It was ours too.  We had to and continue to bear others’ pain, while going through it ourselves. It’s not an easy place to be, and one which requires a lot of emotional stamina and psychological strength. How do we look after ourselves & each other? Our struggle needs to be acknowledged.

 

It is not an easy path to become a psychotherapist. Being a therapist of colour means working ten times harder than everyone else. It doesn’t get easier after qualifying as the role itself is very challenging, practicing in a white world. Therapists from minoritised backgrounds face bigger hurdles in the profession. Unless we get together to explore and identify what these hurdles are as we did at the conference, and in BAATN, we remain disconnected, divided and conquered.

 

Decolonising Theories and Diversifying Training

Psychotherapy is a western concept, and the theories which underpins the philosophies and practice are Eurocentric.  Many trainees from the BAME background really do struggle with grasping these theories; it feels like they are learning a new language altogether. And it’s not their fault. What’s sad is that many of them fail and leave the course, hurt and disappointed.  Is there room to decolonise the curriculum; if so how can we go about that? As a lecturer, and someone who is seen as “having a seat on the table” l am often perceived as the token, the puppet, because l am not helping them.  Many do not realise just how painful it is being in the space in between-interface between students & the university, such a powerful organisation. Watching others, while being observed at the same time.  As a tutor, it’s difficult not to feel complicit in these students suffering and feeling guilty. Many a time its as if l have become the perpetrator myself, and a traitor. But l am only doing my job. The fact that there are not many black academics in my field, leaves a void where I cannot share some of my experiences in a nuanced manner. I must deal with this myself, and process.  BAATN gives me the opportunity to share my experience with other academics who are in the same path as l am and hear their stories. There is validation and processing in being able to share and connect over painful experiences.

 

In relation to psychotherapy training, of great interest is a mixed method study carried out by Ciclitira and Foster (2012) where they interviewed trainee psychoanalytic psychotherapists of BAME backgrounds eliciting their experiences in psychoanalytic training. One of the key themes that came up was that trainees felt that the clinical programs failed to adequately address issues of race, culture and ethnicity and there was a lack of multicultural competence. A key theme that came out of this research was that students of BAME backgrounds felt silenced, and unable to fully articulate issues of diversity including race. Another study was from Gordon (1993) who surveyed thirty-three psychotherapy training institutes and found that most of them did not address the low ratio of Black trainees despite them supposedly committing to equal opportunity policies. Lowe (2006) writes about psychoanalytic training institute’s avoidance of issues of race and becoming colour blind, which again mutes the conversations on race and other differences. Morgan (2007) argues about the harmfulness of racial “colour blindness” in training and supervision which arises where issues of racial skin-color difference is seen as external and irrelevant to the work. While these issues stem from training organising, they become even more pronounced in the profession where the concepts of diversity and inclusion, and equal opportunities are simply tick box exercises.

 

Psychotherapy is a White Middle-class profession and the disparities in the ratio between white and non-white therapists is high. This is a known fact confirmed by Ciclitira and Foster (2012), Gordon (1993), Morgan (2008), and Tummala- Narra (2004). The nuances of one’s identity in relation to the intersections of race, class, gender become very much heightened when you are a therapist. Why? Because the caricature of a therapist is a middle age-old aged bearded white male, or a middle-aged cardigan wearing white middle class woman. All black therapists including myself neither embody nor represent what society views as the conventional version of a therapist.  A psychotherapist colleague of mine- who is also a well respected author and lecturer, Dr Dwight Turner, started a viral hashtag #thisiswhattherapistlookslike after being racially profiled. He was in a pub and he was asked if he was a pub bouncer, only because he is a tall black man. I have received similar treatment on many occasions.  In the past, l have had clients allocated to me, terminate therapy when they learnt that l was black.  Sadly, some black clients have done the same too. There is an assumption that white is good and black is bad. Dalal (2006, p. 152) make very potent claims highlighting the semantic use of the words Black and White as racial categories arguing that Black has historically, from mediaeval times, been associated with darkness, death, evil, dirt, misfortune and badness, while White is seen as clean and pure. Dalal (2006) argue that these ideas are translated on how Black and White people are viewed and treated in society. While this view is helpful in highlighting the associations made due to skin colour variations between the so called Black and White races, its main significance is in how we internalise meaning of good and bad based on the language we use and how black is a symbol of lack/bad/evil/grotesque/dark. No matter how highly qualified and competent you are, you are seen as not good enough, by virtue of being black or other.

 

Safety and Risk

Therapists are regulated by regulatory bodies- BACP, UKCP, HCPC, NCS.  Therapy is risky business, it is unsafe. It is a highly litigious profession and there is an occupational hazard of having vexatious complaints made against you. It is confirmed that therapists from minoritized backgrounds face a much higher risk of having complaints made against them (Cox, 2023). They are easy targets for pathological acting out the fantasies of punishing and causing harm. The motives behind complaints which may be racial are never questioned. The regulatory bodies take the complainant’s side, l understand to protect the public. Surely that can be done without turning against your registrants. If you are a therapist from minoritized background, you face greater risks of the process being doubled down and it being incredibly adversarial.  Ellis (2021) refers to this as “dialling down of empathy towards people of colour” (p. 77). I have been a victim of this experience myself following a crafted complaint by a white male client, leading to a lengthy and heinous treatment by a regularity body. I am very aware of how unsafe and dangerous Black Excellence is.   I consider myself to be a highly qualified and highly experienced and exceedingly competent therapist. Ellis (2021) made this clear by arguing that “People of colour understand that if they put their foot on the accelerator of their lives, they can only get so far before they run the risk of losing their reputation…” (emphasis added: Ellis, 2021, p. 206). I take pride in my profession and hold it to the highest standard. If this detestable experience happened to me, what more the newly qualified therapists who are not as confident and seasoned in the profession?

 

There is abundant literature which evidence that therapists of colour are at greater risk of facing investigations for lesser perceived practice infractions than their white colleagues, and endure harsher penalties (Cox, 2019: Naqvi, 2019). I was subjected to a 2-and-a-half-year (9 hearing days) investigation procedure for saving a suicidal man quoted above, by referring him to the Crisis Team following an assessment. No other therapists have ever been brought to a hearing for safeguarding a vulnerable client. No surprise the case was dismissed as there was no evidence of malpractice. In fact, the panel commended my practice for its rigor and robustness. In my past l worked in a Crisis Resolution Team with highly complex and high risk clients. Carrying out risk assessments is something l do in an evidence based and in skilful manner. I teach risk assessing skills. Hearing similar stories through the BAATN confirms just how unsafe being a therapist of colour in the UK is. The professional bodies do not protect us, and we are effectively up against a powerful persecutory force. Racism is embedded in the systems, and enabled.

 

As therapists of colour, what have we tried to do about it? Eddo-Lodge (2017) asserts that, “entering into conversations with defiant white people is frankly a dangerous task for me. As the hackles rise and defiance grow, I have to tread incredibly carefully, because if I express frustration at their refusal to understand, they will tap into their prescribed tropes about angry black people who are a threat to them and their safety (p. xi).” I have been called the angry black woman in white spaces when l have asserted myself and tried to put boundaries in place. It is exhausting.

Dr Robin DiAngelo (2018) describes the concept of ‘white fragility’  as: “In the dominant position, whites are almost always racially comfortable and that have developed unchallenged expectations to remain so. We have not had to build tolerance for racial discomfort and thus when racial discomfort arises, whites typically respond as though something is ‘wrong’, and blame the person or event that triggered the discomfort (usually a person of colour). This blame results in a socially sanctioned array of responses towards the perceived source of the discomfort, including: penalization; retaliation; isolation and refusal to continue engagement” (online).

I have nothing further to add to these succinct assertions from Eddo- Loghe and DiAngelo.

Happy 20 year birthday  BAATN

We shall prevail….

 

References

Cox, P. (2023a). Uses, misuses and abuses of complaint processes. In A. Sachs and V. Sinason. (Eds.). The psychotherapist and the professional complaint: The shadow side of psychotherapy. (Chp. 11, 153-176). London: Karnac

 

Ciclitira, K. and Foster, N. (2012). Attention to Culture and Diversity in Psychoanalytic Trainings. British Journal of Psychotherapy, 28(3):353-373.

Dalal, F. (2006). Racism: Process of detachment, Dehumanization and Hatred. Psychoanalytic quarterly, 75: 131-161.

 

Eddo-Lodge, R. (2017). Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race. London: Bloomsbury Press.

 

Ellis, E. (2021). The race conversation: An essential guide to creating life-changing dialogue. London: Confer Books.

 

Gordon, P. (1993) Keeping Therapy White? Psychotherapy Training and Equal Opportunities. British Journal of Psychotherapy. 10 (1) 44-9.

Morgan, H. (2008). Issues of „Race‟ in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy: Whose Problem is it Anyway? British Journal of Psychotherapy: 24, 1.

 

Tummala-Narra, P. (2004) Dynamics of race and culture in the supervisory encounter. Psychoanalytic Psychology 21(2): 300-11.

 

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Gosolo Interview

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My recent interview with Gosolo- Subkit

Interested in starting your own entrepreneurial journey in mental wellness but unsure what to expect? Then read up on our interview with Dr. Joyline Gozho, Founder of City Sanctuary Therapy, located in Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire, UK.

What’s your business, and who are your customers?

I’m a Psychotherapist for individual clients and couples, as well as a University Lecturer.

Tell us about yourself

My training to become a psychotherapist was borne out of my acute awareness of how much trauma and suffering there is in the world and how much of it is medicalised. Through my work in the NHS, l encountered many people who were prescribed medication and given medical diagnoses (labels) for what l consider to be a normal human reaction to trauma. For example, for people with anxiety and depression, instead of understanding why one is experiencing anxiety and depression, they would prescribe medication. The issues provoking these symptoms are never interrogated, and this is harmful.

I am a firm believer in the healing nature of talking and connecting on a deeper level. If our pain can be given time, space, and a voice, we can heal and grow as humans. Our ancestors lived and thrived in communities, which is what innately holds us as humans. We have an innate drive to connect and feel safe. My desire to do couples training and work was stimulated by me seeing that a lot of issues people bring to therapy in adulthood are very much a product of growing up in dysfunctional homes and families. If we can create healthy relationships for the parents (couples), we can also raise healthy children. Furthermore, relationships are the core of our being, and our whole existence as a human is relational. Healthy relationships translate to a healthy mind and overall sense of well-being.

What’s your biggest accomplishment as a business owner?

I have managed to establish a thriving private practice where l see individual clients and couples. I also run relationship enrichment workshops for couples at all stages of their relationships. I am also able to pursue my passion for education and sharing knowledge by teaching a Psychotherapy Course at the University of London. I come from a large family of teachers, and growing up, l swore that l never wanted to be a teacher – but here l am and enjoying it!

What’s one of the hardest things that comes with being a business owner?

I don’t have an assistant or a team, so l do a lot of admin on my own, which l prefer. Coordinating my schedule between clients, teaching -lesson planning, marking, etc., and family can be a challenge. I need to have strict boundaries; otherwise, it’s very easy to have my nonwork life completely shrunk.

What are the top tips you’d give to anyone looking to start, run and grow a business today?

  1. For Psychotherapy, the first thing is to do the training if you think you are cut out for it. It’s not for everyone, and it is not easy.
  2. Be clear about what you want to do and where your passion is – niche your work if you can.
  3. Do something that helps you stand out – a higher qualification if you can, or specialist training.

Where can people find you and your business?

Website: https://citysanctuarytherapy.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drjoyline.therapist/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AlfredoGozho
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-joyline-gozho-schwitters-57024233/


If you like what you’ve read here and have your own story as a solo or small business entrepreneur that you’d like to share, then please answer these interview questions. We’d love to feature your journey on these pages.

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Covid Deaths, Loss, Grief, and Traumatic Grief

COPYRIGHT CITY SANCTUARY THERAPY

No part of this website, including the blog content may be copied, duplicated, or reproduced in any manner without the author’s permission. Any information, materials, and opinions on this blog do not constitute therapy or professional advice. If you need professional help, please contact a qualified mental health practitioner.

Covid Trauma

Each time l travel to central London, l have to remind myself that we are still in the middle of a pandemic. The streets, shops, and restaurants are forever buzzing with life.  But aren’t we suppose to be taking some safety precautions, to minimise the risk of contamination, and spreading the virus? We are! Not that long ago, the trains were halted.  l couldn’t travel to central London as freely as I do now. People were locked in their homes, and we were only allowed a short window to leave our homes to exercise-stretching.  These days, people no longer wear masks; the mention of social distancing is responded to as if you are speaking a foreign language. But that was our reality then; keeping a minimum of 2-meter distance, and disinfect, disinfect, disinfect. No one seem to care anymore, yet we were still in the middle of a pandemic. It’s as if we have suddenly forgotten just how tragic the last few years have been. Is this our defence against confronting the reality?  Our way of dealing with the trauma; some sort of amnesia or splitting (Klein, 1946)- pretend it never happened and it no longer matters. When it really does.

 

Covid is still here, and it’s here to stay. People are still dying due to some Covid related illnesses. The Gov.UK website reports that there have been 531 Covid related deaths in the UK in the last 7 days.  What made the past few years hugely significant in our history is the tragedy and trauma secondary to the mass deaths we had due to Covid. Some people lost their loved ones, while every other person knows someone who lost their loved one to Covid. Trauma is vicarious. An experience can still be traumatic, even if it did not happen to you directly. Some people had Covid and suffered immensely, both physically, and psychologically. It left them completely debilitated; at times with long Covid. Even if one never had Covid, or had a mild version of it, living with the threat of impending death is indeed traumatic.  As with any trauma response, we go into survival mode-fight, flight or freeze (De-Kolk, 2010). Which we are still in-individually and collectively. It is important that we continue exploring what the pandemic means to us as a society, and heal from this trauma, not just individually but collectively. Discussing Covid related loss and grief is a necessary part of our processing and working though this trauma.

 

Death, Loss, and Grief and Traumatic Grief

Our life cycle begins with birth, and ends with death. Each stage of life from baby-latency- adolescent- adult- old age- involves loss of the older version of who we were, and grieving for that loss. Death, loss, and grief are natural parts of life, both physical and psychic death. However, when death arrives suddenly and unexpectedly, the overlap of the traumatic experience, and the grief of the loss can be overwhelming psychologically.  This may result is some people getting “stuck” in the trauma and avoiding the feelings of grief and loss. Grief is a natural reaction to loss. We grieve because we love; if we did not love the person we lost, we won’t grieve at all. That is why grief is a painful process we need to lean into, that involves a range of feelings before we can come to a place of acceptance, relinquish the loss, and bargaining whatever we can take away from that lost relationship. We need closure.

 

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969) was the first person to develop an epistemic theory of grief identifying the different stages of grief. Her ideas were informed by her work with dying patients and relatives, observing how they responded to loss, and grieved for the loss of their loved ones. Kubler-Ross (1969) hypothesised that people who grieve go through different stages of grieving which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are not linear, and people will oscillate between them at different stages of their grieving process. Some people will go through the grieving process much easier and swifter than others; we do not grieve in the same fashion. When death is sudden and unexpected, shock is a preceding stage, which we experience as part of our grieving process. The shock itself is a response to what feels like an emotional violence.

 

The relationship we had with the lost person has a big part to play in how we grieve, along with how we have coped with other losses in life. The way we grieve for the loss of a loved one through death, and the loss of a relationship (break up) is no different in any way as it involves going through all the different stages identified. There is a lot of emotional labour involved.  We always talk about the first heart break, when you broke up with your first love-perhaps in your teens. It is one of the most painful experiences in life, and a defining one. Why? Because it involves a lot of emotional labour. It also becomes a process that sets a template of how we deal with other losses in life.

 

Covid Losses

Many people lost their loved ones to Covid. Most of these losses were very sudden and dramatic in how everything unfolded. You hear stories of someone who woke up fully fit, developed a cough, took a Covid positive test, placed in intensive care unit, intubated, and dead by the end of the day. As dramatic as it sounds, these are consistent themes and stories we have all heard, repeatedly. Many people who lost their loved ones in such a sudden and abrupt manner have experienced traumatic grief. Others continue to experience traumatic grief. The fact that in many cases death was sudden, and there was a restricted way of mourning the death of loved ones-not being able to bid farewell and not able to attend funerals, makes the grieving process complex. This goes against how we deal with loss and grief as humans and complicates grief. Its an emotional blow.

Sudden death by suicide, accidents and other unexpected deaths, can also lead to traumatic grief. We will concentrate on Covid losses this time.

 

Traumatic Grief

Not every sudden or catastrophic loss results in traumatic grief. Grief is personal, and we all experience it differently. According to Phillips (2021), some people experience uncomplicated bereavement, while others may show signs of both trauma and grief. They might avoid talking about the person they lost altogether, or they might become fixated on the way their loved one died.  Because of the trauma embedded within the grief, it can be challenging to differentiate between posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), grief and traumatic grief. “PTSD is about fear, and grief is about loss. Freud would have termed this melancholia- Freud, (1917). What makes a loss traumatic is not only the way the person died but also the meaning attached to the death. Freud (1917) differentiated normal mourning from pathological mourning, which he called melancholia. What’s different about melancholia is that there is no trauma embedded in the loss, it’s simply a process where the grieving process gets stuck and there is a narcissistic fixation with the lost object (person). The loss itself in the end becomes all about the person who is grieving, not necessarily the lost person. With traumatic grief, there is trauma, and one gets stuck in the trauma before they are able to grieve.

 

Social and cultural factors (such as personality, spirituality and race/ethnicity) affect how we all approach loss and mourning. In some cultures, there are certain rituals in the grieving process, and these are often done collectively. Grief is a process we cannot go through alone, we need others to bear witness, share the feelings, and talk about the loss-what it means to us.  Being able to share the experience is very important as it enables us to process and heal. In most western cultures, grief is a very personal experience where people tend to go though it in isolation.  This is often in the background of depression (unprocessed grief) and anger issues- (unprocessed grief). Normal grief involves a working through all the different stages to a place where we can get closure. Without this closure, we get stuck in the grief and we are unable move past it, no matter the length of time.

 

People who are experiencing traumatic grief experience these symptoms:

  • Nightmares related to the lost loved one/s or about dying
  • Anxiety about the possibility of losing other loved ones
  • Guilt and self-blame “I” statements frequently “I should have done more to help them”
  • Physical pains, have trouble sleeping
  • Distressing thoughts or dreams
  • Hyperarousal or anhedonia/numbness
  • Loss of appetite
  • Trouble sleeping (which can resemble signs of depression)
  • Difficulty focusing (which can look like a sign of attention-deficit disorder)
  • Preoccupation with the deceased at times in an obsessive manner
  • Experiencing localised pain in the same area as the deceased
  • Extreme longing for the person
  • Hearing the voice of the person who died or “seeing” the person
  • Being drawn to places and things associated with the deceased
  • Experiencing disbelief or anger about the death
  • Thinking it is unfair to live when this person died (suicidality)
  • Having difficulty caring about or trusting others

 

How can we heal from traumatic grief?

Many people came to therapy with complex grief symptoms, and traumatic grief. If grief is not worked through, and remains unresolved, it can have a long-lasting impact on one’s mental health and relationships.

People experiencing traumatic grief are operating in survival mode. Like with any trauma treatment, its important that we create safety, so they can start to feel grounded, and engage with their grief feelings.

Therapy helps people with traumatic grief to emotionally regulate.

Therapy helps create new meanings-“its not my fault and l accept this happened”

Therapy helps processing the feelings- sit with the anguish with the therapist being fully present with the client

If conflict existed in the relationship with the person who died, people may need to work through challenges that they had or feelings of guilt or shame that can be present following the loss

Therapy enables us to develop a narrative around the loss which is a significant part of healing

Therapy enables us to consolidate the contradictory feelings we may hold towards the person we lost. Its not easy to grieve for someone we may have held a grudge against or someone who may have hurt us.

Apart from individual therapy, support groups can give you the holding space to process. Grief is not an experience we go through in isolation. Healing comes from sharing your story and allowing someone to hold you through the vulnerable experience.

 

References

Der Kolk, B.A.(2014), The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking

Freud, S. (1917). Mourning and melancholia, London.

Klein, M. (1946). Notes on Some Schizoid Mechanisms. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 27, 99-110.

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. New York, The Macmillan Company.

Phillips, L. (2021) Untangling trauma and grief after loss. APA: Counselling Association.

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Delivering Psychotherapy to University Students: Does Modality Really Matter? An Attachment Perspective

COPYRIGHT CITY SANCTUARY THERAPY

No part of this website, including the blog content may be copied, duplicated, or reproduced in any manner without the author’s permission. Any information, materials, and opinions on this blog do not constitute therapy or professional advice. If you need professional help, please contact a qualified mental health practitioner.

 

I wrote this publishable  paper as part of my professional Doctorate which was a taught Doctorate,  consisting  of 8 assignments and a 50 000 word thesis. Unusual, considering that most PHDs and Doctorates, (with the exception of Clinical Psychology and a few others), only comprise of research modules, and the main thesis. 

The publishable paper was wrote for publication in the Journal of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy. While it passed, and met the publication requirements, l never got round to publishing it.  Time being one of the major constraints, and to be frank, the antipathy to peer reviews.

I had to add this paper to my blog as the matters discussed in it are very close to my heart as a perpetual student myself, lecturer, and psychotherapist. 

Modality should not be the guiding factor in any therapy. It should be the client’s needs that guides the therapist. CBT and psychoanalytic oriented therapies are often pitted against each other,  yet in reality they inform each other. 

 

Delivering Psychological Therapies to University Student Client Groups: Does Modality Really Matter? An Attachment Perspective

Abstract

Leaving home to begin University studies can be a very challenging experience for some students, due to the external, physical separation and the internal loss, resulting from the disruption of vulnerable attachment patterns. Some students seek psychological interventions through the University Student Psychology Services because of the sudden emotional distress they experience. Since the National Institute of Clinical Excellence (NICE, 2009) guidelines identify Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) as the first line of treatment for common mental health problems, this is the therapy which is regularly prescribed, even for those students who may be struggling with attachment and loss issues. Whilst recognising the valuable contribution of CBT in mental health provision, I would argue that cases like those identified above are better understood and reframed from an attachment perspective (Bowlby, 1969) and therefore best approached using a psychoanalytic, clinical framework, which addresses loss and mourning (Freud, 1917) and includes interpersonal relationships, unconscious processes and affective qualities (Lemma, Target, & Fonagy, 2010; Shedler, 2010). A single vignette will be presented, as an example of the typical student client group psychopathology, illustrating the therapeutic process.   The name of the university and the client’s identity are not disclosed.

 

Key words: Loss, Attachment, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Adolescence, Psychoanalysis

 

Difficulties some students experience when leaving home to start University

The external reality of moving away from the family home to attend university is often consciously experienced as being very liberating. It signifies the beginning of a new life in a new environment, forming new friendships, developing independence, perhaps developing sexual relationships and creating an adult identity. However, the internal reality is that the experience can be very traumatic for those students who have not relinquished their infantile object relationships and who are insecurely attached. This is because leaving home not only involves physical separation, but the loss of the familiar environment, emotional displacement, challenges to established attachment patterns and loss of the family as a secure base (Bowlby, 1969). Bowlby (1973), postulates that attachment patterns are ‘internal working models,’ which he believes “represent an accurate reflection of the experiences of individuals” (p. 235).

 

In recent years, we have seen increased awareness of mental ill health problems in UK universities and even the suggestion of a ‘suicide epidemic’ among first year undergraduates.  The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) News http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-36378573reported an increase in self-harm incidents and suicides in first and second year UK undergraduates.  The findings of this BBC report and others seem to suggest that these cases were the result of the stress related to leaving home and a potential breakdown of attachments. It is unlikely that academic difficulties were a major factor, as all undergraduates have met rigorous criteria to achieve university admission.  We cannot totally discount the ‘small fish in a big pond’ aspect, which may negatively impact on someone who has been outstanding in their former school and is now surrounded by other high achievers. I suggest that the internal loss and challenges in attachments which the students experience because of leaving home makes them extremely vulnerable. If these issues are not understood and dealt with adequately through appropriate therapy, they can escalate, resulting in severe mental illness and, in extreme cases, suicidal actions. Such cases illustrate the potential gravity of the impact that leaving home can have on some students.

 

Recognition of the increasing incidence of mental ill health problems within the student population has led universities in the UK to invest in psychological therapy services, which mirror Improving Access to Psychological Therapy (IAPT). Traditionally, the model of choice was psychoanalytic, but today there is gravitation towards CBT, because of the NICE guidelines. This means that most students who are seen in student counselling services are prescribed CBT.  The majority of therapists in the service now have to be trained to deliver the minimal, low intensity CBT in order to meet this need. The apparent mental health crisis in the undergraduate population suggests an urgent need for practitioners to engage with the root cause of the problem, which I believe is the internal impact of breakdown of attachments and that focusing on symptom management, whilst producing some undeniable benefits, offers only a partial solution to the problem.

 

Most of the students seen for therapy in universities are in late adolescence or early adult stage of development. Lamb, Hall, Kelvin, and Van Beinum, (2008) declare that in the UK we need to recognise the importance of providing psychotherapeutic services to the adolescent and young adult population during their transition into adulthood because the complexities of this developmental stage render the age group particularly vulnerable. This highlights the need to provide a space for the individual to understand their loss, to explore attachment patterns and to reflect on their interpersonal relationships. The therapeutic relationship can also be used as a basis for the student to learn how to build healthy relationships, as well as relinquishing broken attachments. I would argue that a psychoanalytic approach, which allows an exploration of interpersonal relationships, loss, mourning the experience of leaving home and reflecting on the breakdown of attachments, offers the only best way to resolve the internal problems.

 

CBT approach and NICE Guidelines

Following the Layard report (Layard, 2006), short term, manualised therapies, such as CBT, that are considered to be evidence based are now widely adopted.  NICE has recommended CBT as the gold standard treatment model for most common mental health problems (DOH, 2009). Psychoanalytic oriented therapies appear to have fallen out of favour. Most of the CBT evidence base has been gained using Randomised Controlled Trials (RCTs), which many psychoanalytic clinicians view as unsuitable in assessing the process and outcome of psychoanalytic oriented therapies (Taylor, 2010; Shedler, 2010; Hinshelwood, 2010; McLeod, 2011; Cooper, 2011). NICE recommendations have therefore inadvertently hindered the dissemination and delivery of psychoanalytic oriented therapies in the UK.

 

Somewhat ironically, CBT was developed by Beck, a psychoanalyst, and has its origins in psychoanalysis, despite it being out of step with psychoanalytic informed therapies (Beck, 1995; Knox, 2013).  CBT, a behavioural model, assumes that the way we think (cognition) affects the way we feel (affect) and behave. The hypothesis is that by altering one’s maladaptive thinking and developing flexibility, one can reverse the cycle and change the way we feel (cognitive change). CBT focuses on acute symptoms and the external world. It does not seek to understand the cause or origins of the symptoms. The use of cognitive change methods, self-management skills and the adoption of behavioural strategies to counter maladaptive behaviour are considered key in the CBT model.  Clients are actively required to use a range of tools in and out of sessions, with considerable emphasis on recording their thoughts and reflecting on them (Greenberger and Padesky, 1996). Most importantly, clients must be able to consciously access their thoughts and feelings.

 

The CBT model is manualised; it requires careful planning, and clearly identified desired outcomes. Experiments are a common tenet of the CBT model.  Clients are encouraged to have graded exposure to their phobias and aversions, to systemically desensitise them (Leahy, 2003). Significantly, there is a teaching element in CBT delivery; the therapist must teach the client the model and how to use the techniques and tools.  The psychotherapist’s role is therefore helping the individual to identify their negative cognitions or distorted belief systems and to be able to evaluate their own behaviour (Beck, 1995). CBT requires the use of monitoring tools – (Spitzer, Kroenke, Williams, and Löwe, 2006) Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD-7), (Kroenke, Spitzer, and Williams, 2001) Physical Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9), session by session.

 

 

Psychoanalytic approach and why it is most appropriate for the student client group

The significant decline in the delivery of psychoanalytic oriented psychotherapies has mainly been due to the NICE guidelines assertion that CBT is more empirically evidence based than other approaches (NICE, 2009). Shedler (2010) states that the poor evidence base of psychoanalytic oriented therapy is not because of its ineffectiveness, but stems from the “poor dissemination of research and the arrogance and elitist attitude shown by traditional psychoanalysts who shunned research and inter- disciplinary working” (p. 98). Psychoanalytic oriented psychotherapies, however, still have an important role to play clinically. Unlike CBT, they allow an exploration of the client’s interpersonal difficulties and of their internal world, which are key elements when working with the student client group.  Norcross (2005) argues that psychoanalytic oriented psychotherapies have positive outcomes which go beyond symptom prevention, which is the goal of CBT.

 

Psychoanalytic theories have their origins in the work of Freud, who initiated the theory of the unconscious (Freud, 1915). Despite the apparent differences in contemporary Freudian schools of thought, what underpins them all is the belief in the unconscious world, the importance of early life experiences and the psychopathology that can occur because of disturbances in the parent-infant relationship. Psychoanalytic oriented psychotherapies are fundamentally centred in working with the transference in the analytic space. This analytic space between the therapist and client is used to explore unconscious processes, with the transference relationship acting as a catalyst to generate an understanding of the interpersonal effects. Through the experience of psychoanalytic oriented therapy, clients learn to build inner resources (Shedler, 2010).

The building of a therapeutic alliance between the client and therapist is vital. It enables clients (students) to build trust and gain confidence in others, an important aspect of interpersonal relationships. The therapeutic alliance is considered most crucial in psychoanalytic oriented therapies and central to its success (Orlinsky and Howard, 1986; Shedler, 2010; Safran, Muran, and Eubanks- Carter, 2011). Most of the students’ client group present with issues related to complexities of navigating from their infantile object relationships to adult and romantic relationships. In the psychoanalytic context, the transference relationship between the therapist and student can be used to trace the source of the disturbed infantile object relations, which might be the underlying cause of difficulties in current relationships.

 

Interpretations also play a major part in psychoanalytic oriented psychotherapies; they enable the mutative links between the past and the present. Malan’s triangle of conflict, which focuses on past relationships, current interpersonal relationships and the ‘here and now’ (Malan, 1995), allows psychotherapists to formulate approaches which enable them to assist clients in comprehending the nature of their internal difficulties. These approaches render psychoanalytic psychotherapy more relevant and effective than CBT, when working with the student client group.

 

Psychoanalytic psychotherapies readily offer the invaluable space in which to explore loss and mourn the loss of attachments (Bowlby, 1969), which CBT does not. The notion of gaining insight into unconscious drives is what makes psychoanalytic oriented therapies more effective than other treatments (Norcross, 2005; Shedler, 2010). Fonagy (2015) argues that psychoanalytic treatments provide a unique window on human behaviour and the theories are rich and imaginative in developmental, clinical, and applied accounts.

 

CBT focuses on symptomology, while a psychoanalytic framework creates a space where difficult experiences can be safely explored and complex feelings expressed. Psychoanalytic oriented therapies also help the client to conceptualise their problem and situate it, thereby helping them build internal resources and reach beyond symptom remission. Shedler (2010) argues that the reason many therapies are successful is because they use techniques which are centred in psychoanalysis. This raises questions about the NICE recommendation of CBT as a panacea for common mental health problems.  Psychoanalytic psychotherapies that seek to address the client’s internal world allow mentalization and in-depth exploration of the nature of the client’s difficulties, elements which are not covered when using the CBT model, suggesting that psychoanalytic therapies are appropriate when working with the identified student client group.

 

 

Loss through leaving home and the disruption of attachments

Attachment patterns are established at an early stage and are centred in the relationship between the infant and its primary care giver (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth, 1973).  Leaving home, separating from siblings, other family members and friends seems to result in a psychological de-compensation and a breakdown in defences for some students (Klein, 1926). Bowlby (1969) argues that our early attachment patterns can be reactivated in times of psychological distress and in social or relationship crises and that the disruption of these patterns in later life can bring forth a breakdown of defences and the onset of depressive feelings.  Bowlby (1979) postulates that secure attachment to the mother stems from the mother’s consistent and sensitive provision of security and love, thereby creating a healthy emotional bond, which includes a tolerance of separation.  Bowlby’s (1979) view suggests that the ability to separate without experiencing distress seems to be what some students have difficulties with when they leave home to start University.

 

Bowlby hypothesises that mothers who are not attuned to the infant’s needs tend to lack warmth; they respond to the infant erratically and this leads to insecure attachments, which can be categorised as disorganised, ambivalent and avoidant (Bowlby, 1969; Main, Kaplan, & Cassidy, 1985). The result is that these insecurely attached individuals are the ones who, in later life, are more likely to experience difficulties in interpersonal transactions when building and maintaining relationships, which can lead to psychological problems. Research has demonstrated that certain types of attachments are associated with particular psychopathologies, ranging from self-esteem issues to depression, together with deep seated feelings of worthlessness (Zuroff & Fitzpatrick, 1995).

 

 

 

Stressing how attachments are re-activated in times of stress, Bowbly (1988) argues that

A feature of attachment behaviour of great clinical importance and which is present, irrespective of the age of the individual concerned, is the intensity of the emotion that accompanies it. The nature of the emotion aroused appears to depend on how the relationship between the individual attached and the attachment figure is faring. If it is threatened, there is jealousy, anxiety, and anger. If broken, there is grief and depression (p.4).

Bowlby’s assertion explains how a disruption or breakdown in attachments can be traumatic, leading to a complex set of painful feelings. Bowlby (1980) declares that “intimate attachments to other human beings are the hub around which a person’s life revolves, not only as a toddler but throughout adolescence and the years of maturity into adulthood and old age” (p. 442).  This would explain why disruption of attachment patterns in the late adolescent stage can be so challenging for some individuals.

 

Can psychoanalytic theories and attachment theories inform each other?

Psychoanalytic paradigms, particularly object relations and attachment theories paradigms, are not natural bedfellows.  This seems to stem from the history of the evolution of both disciplines. It is known that Bowlby deviated from the mainstream object relations theories, with his greater emphasis on external behaviours, parent-infant emotional bonds, the infant’s reaction to separation and loss and interpersonal relationship (Bowlby, 1969; Bowlby, 1973). Psychoanalysis, on the other hand, places greater emphasis on the internal world, including fantasies and internal dynamics, with less emphasis on observable external experiences.

The strength of Bowlby’s attachment theories lies in his embracing of empirical research in his work with mothers and babies, which was continued by Ainsworth (1973; 1974) and Main et al. (1985). Attachment theories have retained a solid presence in various disciplines and are widely embraced in developmental psychology, neuroscience, and in social psychology, where they have been useful in determining the quality of romantic relatedness in partners (Hazan and Shave, 1994). Longitudinal studies in attachment behaviours, for example, Grossman and Grossman, (1991) and Waters, Merrick, Albersheim, and Treboux, (1995) identified their appeal in psychoanalysis as a means of conceptualising psychopathology.

 

In recent times, there has been a gradual push for an interdisciplinary dialogue between psychoanalytic theories and attachment theories to inform research and clinical practice. Levy and Blatt (1999) argue that despite the fundamental differences, the psychoanalytic concept of ‘mental representations’ and attachment theories of ‘internal working models’ are analogous, as they are both developmental theories based on the early maternal-infant relationship, which shapes personality development and adult psychopathology. Psychoanalysis can therefore contribute to the study of attachment theories through the identification of developmental levels of representations, the degree of differentiation and internalization.  Levy and Blatt (1999) view the application of psychoanalytic object relations theories to attachment theories as “providing an elucidation of interpersonal functioning within the insecure attachment types, thereby giving attachment theory a broader application, clinically and non-clinically” (p. 558).

 

A contemporary theorist, who is robustly engaged in integrating psychoanalytic and attachment theories clinically and through research, is Fonagy, who argues that the two theories are compatible, as they are both fundamentally based on the importance of parent-infant early relationship (Fonagy, 2001). Fonagy and Target (1996) coined the concept of mentalization, which embraces both attachment and psychoanalytic theories.  Fonagy, Gerglely, Jurist, and Target (2002) define mentalization as the ability to reflect on others’ thoughts, beliefs, desires, and feelings, while also subjectively reflecting on one’s own mental state and how it may influence others. Mantalization capacity, developed in infancy, enables the infant to experience emotional regulation and inter-subjectivity.  Failure to develop these abilities causes psychopathology in later life.

 

Fonagy et al. (2002) suggest that mentalization, usually attained at around 4-6 years old, indicates a secure attachment between the infant and its carer, while a lack of resolution signifies disturbed attachments. The differentiation of ego, the ability to recognise others as separate and mature object relations, are all ego capacities which are key to mentalization and are deeply embedded in the psychoanalytic discourse.  Fonagy argues that the inability to experience inter-subjectivity or to affect regulation difficulties are the result of insecure attachment, which leads to psychopathology in later life (Fonagy, 2001). Psychoanalysis places greater emphasis on the mother’s emotional availability and her ability to tolerate the infant’s distress without feeling overwhelmed, to modify it and hand it back in a tolerable form, a process called containment (Bion, 1962).

 

Another major development in drawing psychoanalysis and attachment theories together is in the development of Dynamic Interpersonal Therapy (DIT). DIT was developed by Lemma et al. (2010) through an amalgamation of attachment theories, object relations theories and mentalization theories (Fonagy, 1996). DIT views depression as a disturbance in interpersonal relational (attachments) and it also emphasises the importance of the interpersonal relationship (object relation) between the therapist and client, while working in the transference. DIT has recently been included in the NICE guidelines (NICE, 2011). This demonstrates how psychoanalytic theories and attachment theories can work together, enriching both disciplines clinically.

 

Case example 1.

‘Brian’ is a 19-year-old man, who has moved from a small city to study for an undergraduate degree. He is experiencing severe problems sleeping and is constantly worrying that his girlfriend, who he has left behind, is going to abandon him. He obsessively ruminates about her cheating on him, which upsets him, makes him feel guilty and triggers bouts of anxiety. His feelings, behaviour and thoughts are destroying his relationship with his girlfriend, who he claims to love deeply.  Brian’s parents divorced when he was four after their relationship had become acrimonious. His father is estranged, but Brian is very close to his mother, who he calls daily.  He was referred for the standard six CBT sessions for anxiety.

 

In session 1, Brian presented as an intelligent young man, who robustly asserted that “I need pure CBT; I don’t want to talk about my past life”, said in a rather defensive manner. Brian found it difficult having me teach him the model. He would talk incessantly and he frequently interrupted when I was speaking.  It was difficult to reorient him to go through the pragmatics of CBT.  He would not do any of the little homework I set him, citing that he was too busy with his course work. Brian flooded each session with descriptive narratives about how his anxiety was crippling him and how this made him feel inadequate. In my counter-transference, I felt rejected and excluded from his world.  There was a palpable sense of Brian sabotaging each session and I began to be acutely aware of the time limitations of the therapy.

 

 

In session 3, having been overwhelmed by Brian’s relentless talking, poor engagement with CBT and his repeated reminders of how afraid he was of losing his girlfriend, I suggested this to him “I wonder whether your assertion about not wanting to talk about the past and your deep fear of losing your girlfriend might bring back some painful memories about your other losses, which might be difficult to face”. Brian stopped talking, sat back in his chair with his face down, and paused for several minutes. Then, tears welled up in his eyes and he began poignantly talking about how bereft he felt about his father leaving and how he had started to experience nightmares, which continued until the age of fourteen. The nightmares were of his annihilation by a powerful force coming through the roof and leaving him feeling extremely vulnerable.

 

Session 4, 5 and 6 were psychoanalytic in frame, with the objective of helping Brian understand his attachments, offering him a safe space to express his feelings about the loss of his father (broken attachment), confronting inadequacy in his current interpersonal relationship (an insecure attachment) and separation anxiety with his mother (ambivalent attachment). These sessions were quite different to the early ones and were very contained. Brian slowed down and engaged with his vulnerability, which had caused him to defend by controlling the trajectory of the therapy in the early sessions. Brian informed me that each time he left sessions three, four and five, he would go home and sob. He did not know the reason for his tears, but said that he felt “cleansed” afterwards.

 

My supervision confirmed my clinical impression that Brian’s loss of attachment with a primary carer (his father), at an early stage had created an internal working model of insecure attachments. Leaving home, breaking the attachments with his girlfriend and mother, and losing his father when young were all unconsciously and psychologically traumatic for Brian. This disruption in early object relations (Freud, 1917; Klein 1946) had led to interpersonal difficulties in his current life.  Only when Brian had sessions with a psychoanalytic framework, could he understand the unconscious impact these losses had on him, as they allowed him to express some of the painful emotions he had felt, linked to the loss of his father.

 

From a CBT perspective, Brian held core beliefs that the people in his life would leave him and that he was ‘not good enough’. Hence, the anxiety that his girlfriend would leave and that he was ‘inadequate’. However, this alone would not be enough to address the source of these maladaptive core beliefs. Brian scored very low on all measures -GAD-7, PHQ-9, and University Treatment Outcome Summary. He went on to see a private psychodynamic psychotherapist for longer term psychotherapy following this episode.

 

 

A critical discussion of CBT versus psychoanalytic oriented therapies when working with students and current research

The vignette presented above is a single case which gives a snapshot of some of the typical issues with which students present and the common clinical therapeutic pattern.  CBT, which focuses on the external world, can be limiting and therapeutically negative when working with the student client group who may be experiencing an internal loss and a reactivation of insecure attachment patterns (Bowlby, 1969).  Whilst not denying the efficacy of CBT in certain scenarios, I believe that working with students often requires an interpersonal model that addresses the unconscious phenomena and a consideration of attachment and loss, as demonstrated in the presented case.

 

It could be argued that the clients seen in our service and in the case referred to above are seen for only six sessions and that this may be considered insufficient for drawing more general conclusions and therefore my hypothesis lacks validity.  I acknowledge the legitimacy of this argument but I believe that there is urgent need for research, specifically with student client groups and modalities, which may strengthen the case for psychoanalytic approaches.  Unfortunately, at present, there is no such research available to support the hypothesis I am making. However, Coren (1996) strongly argues that short term psychodynamic psychotherapy is preferable when working with students, suggesting that it minimises commitments and procrastination and limits the potential for pathologizing.  Malan, Heath, Bacal, and Balfour (1975) acknowledge the therapeutic gains of a single assessment session in a psychodynamic framework, as it enables the client to understand the nature of their deficits and to embark on future planning to address them.

 

Searle et al. (2011) conducted an influential study, offering four psychodynamic psychotherapy sessions to young people aged 16-30, at the Tavistock and Portman. A total of 236 clients was seen. Outcome measures Youth Self Report and Young Adults Self Report forms were used before and after the intervention. The outcome data suggested that there were greater improvements in all subscales, with most improvement noted in the internalisation subscales. The results of this study are applicable to the adolescent/young adult student client group.

 

Blagys and Hilsenorth (2000) and Shedler (2010) looked at outcome of literature database research that identified features which distinguish psychoanalytic oriented therapies from other therapies. They argued that psychoanalytic oriented psychotherapy enables the client to explore their emotions and recurrent themes and allows an exploration of early attachments.  They also declared that the strong therapeutic alliance in psychoanalytic oriented therapies enables an exploration of other interpersonal relationships. These features are highly relevant to the work with the student client group, many of whom are dealing with issues related to loss and a breakdown of attachments. Shedler (2010) also makes the important point that “intellectual insight is different to emotional insight” (p. 99). Often, students are intellectually aware of their problems, as in the case presented, but lack the emotional connection to address them.  This drives the need for therapists to adopt a more flexible way of addressing clients’ difficulties, rather than focusing on one model.

 

Another key limitation of CBT with students is their aversion to homework. Most of the students seen are already struggling with completing their coursework. They do not take kindly to being given yet more assignments. The CBT model puts the therapist in the role of an educator or a metaphoric parent, who teaches the child the model. This is a source of angst among students, who are at a stage where they are seeking independence. Unlike CBT, psychoanalytic psychotherapy enables students to work through their loss by negotiating endings in therapy. (Lee, 2004) declares that endings when working with young adults are very important, as they help them deal with their own traumatic ending of childhood attachments.

 

Extensive research has demonstrated the efficacy of psychoanalytic oriented therapies. Leichsenring and Klein (2014)’s systematic review of psychodynamic therapy for specific disorders illustrated trough RCTs show that psychodynamic psychotherapy is effective.   Abbas, Hancock, Henderson, and Kisely (2006) carried out a Cochrane database meta-analysis, studying the effects of short term psychodynamic psychotherapies with 23 RCTs, involving 1500 patients.  The results showed greater reduction in symptoms, which was maintained in medium-long term post follow up. Leichsenring and Leibling (2007)’s systematic review on the efficacy of short to moderate term, manual guided psychodynamic psychotherapy, with 23 RCTs, concluded that psychodynamic psychotherapy was as effective as CBT and in some respects superior to it.

 

The study by Taylor (2008) suggests that psychodynamic psychotherapies were as effective as CBT, coupled with medication. Guthrie et al. (1999) studied the cost effectiveness of short term psychodynamic psychotherapy and demonstrated improvement in special functioning, fewer contacts with services, and reduced use of medication. Durham, Chambers, and Power (2005) carried out a study in Scotland on the durability of CBT, which concluded that effects of CBT erode over time and there is no advantage of CBT over other therapies.

 

Key psychoanalytic perspectives on psychopathology and their application to the student client group

Psychoanalytic theories enable us to understand the sources of psychological problems, but they can also give us an insight into the internal mechanisms of ego development, specifically the importance and complexity of the successive accomplishments of certain crucial developmental tasks. Failure to accomplish these developmental tasks is a key factor in psychopathology in later life (Klein, 1932; Fairbairn, 1944; Winnicott, 1945; Bion 1962). Psychoanalytic theories therefore enable us to formulate and conceptualise our clients’ difficulties, as well as identify the most appropriate treatment for them.  This notion suggests that psychoanalytic oriented therapies are more likely to achieve positive outcomes than other therapies.

Klein (1932; 1946) argues that psychopathology in later life stems from the infant’s difficulties with negotiating the depressive position from the paranoid-schizoid position, in relation to the breast, its first object relation. Klein hypothesises that the infant must deal with primitive persecutory anxieties of a psychotic nature, due to the mother’s breast being experienced as both gratifying (good) but frustrating (bad) leading to its splitting into both a loved and hated object. Due to the death instinct, the infant develops annihilatory fears and as a result unleashes sadistic oral attacks on the satiating breast, which is also resented.  Winnicott (1945) agrees with Klein’s idea that the infant’s early ego lacks cohesion and is susceptible to disintegration. Through the mechanisms of introjection of the good (loved) and bad (hated) breast, together with the realisation that the breast is one object, the infant’s ego becomes more integrated.

 

Having developed the awareness that the breast is one object and psychically introjecting it as a whole object, the infant is then able to transition into the depressive position, which is dominated by feelings of reparation, guilt, shame, and mourning. Klein (1945) asserts “The synthesis between loved and hated aspects of the complete object gives rise to feelings of mourning and guilt, which imply vital advances in the infant’s emotional and intellectual life” (p. 100). Until the infant negotiates the depressive position, the ego lacks cohesion and is vulnerable to disintegration. An individual’s personality, emotional life and psychopathology in later life are all shaped by how the infant negotiates the depressive position. Looking at depression as a psychological illness, Klein (1946) hypothesises that the “violent splitting of parts of the self into others is what causes depletion of the ego, triggering feelings of loneliness and depressive feelings” (p. 104).

Freud’s (1917) theory of mourning and melancholia is a cornerstone in understanding the psychogenic processes associated with normal mourning and pathological disposition of mourning, known as melancholia. Freud views normal mourning as a reaction to a loss-relationship, a loved person/object, including emigration away from the individual, which is in the consciousness. Normal mourning is associated with painful feelings and reality testing that the object has departed. As time goes on, the ego withdraws all its libido and attachments, becoming free again. One is then able to cathex the libido into a new object and is then capable of relating healthily to others. In line with Freud’s theory of mourning, following the loss of an object, Winnicott (1965) views an “inability to mourn and feel concerned as secondary to the infant’s inability to achieve maturation and integration of the self” (p. 220).

 

In melancholia, the sufferer cannot perceive what is lost and it remains in the unconscious. What distinguishes melancholia from normal mourning is the “profound painful dejection, cessation of interest in the outside world, loss of capacity to love, inhibition in all activities, a lowering of self-regard, self-reproachment and a delusional expectation of punishment to the self” (Freud, 1917, p. 252). In melancholia, the ego becomes consumed by these feelings and is severely impoverished. This leads to a splitting of the ego, where part of the split-off ego becomes the lost object. Freud believes that withdrawal of the libido into the ego and the splitting of the ego, which is identified with the lost object, is what leads to the sadistic attacks on the lost object, which is also the self.

 

According to Freud, that fixation, the narcissistic object relation, and ambivalence towards the same object are key factors which lead to lack of conscience and berating of the split- off self. Freud views melancholia, and other neurotic psychopathologies as complexities in the object relationship, which cause a disturbance of the normal process of dealing with loss. Fairbairn (1941) agrees with the idea of ambivalence in object relation, causing psychological disturbances in asserting that “difficulties with schizoids is how to love without destroying by love and with depressives is their inability to love without destroying by hate” (p. 271).

 

As pointed out earlier, many students leave home to start university in their late adolescence, which is identified as one of the key stages of developmental achievements in psychoanalytic theories, due to the complexities related to mourning the loss of the child and transitioning into adulthood, which also involves “loss of one’s position in the family” (Brice, 1982, p. 317). Wolfenstein (1966) argues that each developmental stage involves mourning the loss of the old self. Every experience is unique and not everyone goes through these complex stages smoothly. Psychoanalytic theories suggest that glitches in these processes could contribute to adult psychopathology. It appears that students, who are in the adolescent stage, are already developmentally vulnerable. The loss through leaving home and the consequent challenges in attachments, compound the complexities of this stage, triggering a psychological breakdown. Blos (1967) views the adolescent stage as the ‘second individuation stage,’ where the adolescent disengages from infantile love objects to cathex the libido into more mature object relations.  This psychological leap from child to adult is what makes adolescence particularly complex.

Freud’s key developmental theory postulates that the infant develops through oral, anal, latent and adolescent stages before reaching the adult stage of psychological maturity (Freud, 1905). However, there is now evidence in neuropsychology that the human brain continues to grow into the early 20s (Dahl, 2004). This gives weight to the idea that, though adolescents (students) might appear physically mature, they may be underdeveloped mentally, cognitively, and psychologically and are consequently lacking the ego strength to deal with emotionally challenging situations.

 

The transitioning into adulthood from the adolescent stage also evokes some very deep-seated issues related to adaptive character formation and establishing oneself as an individual (Blos, 1968, p. 250). (Frankl and Hellman, 1962; Laufer, 1966) all assert that the adolescent’s separation from parents leads to a mourning process, as the adolescent must libidinally detach themselves from the parents, as they transition into adulthood.  Laufer (1966) goes on to suggest that in response to failure to mourn the originally attached parental, oedipal relationship, additional defences are employed, particularly in adolescence, leading to a distortion of reality (p. 288).  This view gives an insight into some students’ internal difficulties.

 

Conclusion

Delivering psychotherapy interventions to students is a specialism, which considers the nature of their difficulties, which are, in most cases, linked to internal loss and a breakdown of attachments. In the current climate, CBT is being prescribed for most students, as it is considered effective and is evidence based. However, the difficulties experienced by some students as identified in this paper, can be best worked with and reframed from a psychoanalytic perspective, which addresses the unconscious dynamics. Understanding the impact of loss of attachments on individuals is crucial, as are the psychogenic processes in the adolescent developmental stage. Psychoanalytic theories and attachment theories have been seen as complementing each other, both clinically and in research. This paper concludes that the therapist needs to develop an open mind, regarding the model that is used when working with adolescent students, but strongly advocates psychoanalytic oriented psychotherapies. Employing an approach such as CBT, which treats symptoms without addressing the origins of the client’s difficulties is an inadequate response to their problems. Psychoanalytic trained therapists need to garner more research evidence to give greater credibility to claims of the efficacy of psychoanalytic oriented psychotherapies with specific client groups and pathologies, putting it on a par with CBT.  Research has already suggested that psychoanalytic psychotherapies are effective. The introduction of DIT in the NICE guidelines hopefully marks the beginning of a change in clinical practice which may lead to widespread acceptance of the valuable contribution which psychoanalytic psychotherapy can make in the treatment of the specific client group discussed in this paper.

 

 

 

 

 

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How to navigate a co-dependent relationship

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This article was published on the Counselling Directory Platform on the 14th April 2023

How to navigate a codependent relationship

Codependency is a concept that is very often overused and misused in the relationship context. The current world where there is access to the internet and social media, has meant that certain concepts (buzzwords) get used carelessly, and are applied incorrectly. Millennials and Generation Zs have very different life experiences to generations before them, who grew up without technology, and pre-social media. Through social media, these newer generations tend to be very conscious of their mental health and well-being, and they are more explorative in terms of sexuality, gender, and alternative types of relationships outside the traditional monogamous realm.

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Through social media, pop psychology and pop psychologists become real and contagious. This paradigm shift has also meant certain psychological concepts get thrown about, and at times this becomes harmful. People tend to self-diagnose, which is problematic and unhealthy.

As a therapist who works with individual clients and couples, l have on numerous occasions been asked by clients, family, or friends what codependency means. People often enquire whether l think their relationship or their parents’ relationship is (or was) codependent.

When I ask what their understanding of codependency is, it’s very clear that the meaning is skewed, and there are inconsistencies in what it means for different people. This concept needs attention, and exploring what distinguishes a codependent relationship from a healthy relationship is necessary.

A healthy relationship is nourishing and helps us grow, while codependent relationships are emotionally depleting and exhausting.

What defines a healthy relationship?

Healthy relationships are made up of two individuals, who are both emotionally mature, and interdependent. Using metaphor, they are pouring into each other’s cup – a synergetic couple, which is continuously enriching each other’s lives. Each partner can self-define in the relationship, and outside the relationship. There is an awareness of unique needs subjectively, and the partner having unique needs.

Having a definition also means that there are boundaries which are firm and permeable, in service of the relationship. Each partner can self-validate, and self-soothe. This means they don’t get consumed by emotions, and collapse during conflict. Conflict does not mean a catastrophe. They use the relationship as a source of nurturance while nurturing each other, and the relationship itself.


What defines a codependent relationship?

In a codependent relationship, there is no self-definition in one or both partners. The couple experiences each other as one entity. They are in a state of symbiosis. According to Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson (1988), this symbiosis is either a hostile dependent one “I hate you, but l can’t live without you” type, or enmeshed “we are so in love with each other, and we are the same”.

In the hostile dependent relationship, this is a couple that fights all the time, yet they stay together even though it hurts. On the other extreme, the enmeshed couple is conflict-avoidant, even though it hurts. They do whatever they can to keep the peace and not rock the boat. This is defensive.

In any codependent dynamic, each partner is unable to self-validate and needs the other to create an identity and a definition of the self. The commonality in these two types of symbiotic states (hostile dependent and enmeshed) is that there is no definition and no boundaries. The couple is locked in a state of merger; according to Bader and Pearson (1988) just like a newborn baby and the mother. There is no growth as there is no space for it. The reason why it becomes a codependent dynamic is that there are two people who are co-creating this dynamic. They both play a role, need each other, and have a function for each other.

Developmental milestones and developmental arrests

Taking a developmental approach, Bader and Pearson (1988) view a relationship as an entity, which evolves in the same fashion as a newborn baby, who must achieve specific developmental milestones. The initial stage of a relationship is symbiotic, which is necessary for the couple to fall in love, bond, and meet the attachment needs.

This is akin to the baby in a state of merger with the mother, unaware of her as a unique being, with needs. However, the baby needs to separate from the mother and develop an awareness of the mother as a separate entity. The couple needs to be able to do the same and succeed in this process of individuation.

The couple who remains in the symbiotic state is in the same primitive stage of early infancy (Klein, 1946), where the baby has no sense of separateness from the mother. The baby needs to reach certain milestones and develop the awareness that mother is a separate entity who has her own needs and feelings- she is a human being, she gets hungry, she needs to eat as well, she has feelings etc.-the couple has to do the same.

This state of individuation is what enables the partners to grow and recognise each other’s needs, and create a definition of “l”, “you” and “we”. When this developmental task has not been achieved, the couple’s development is arrested, and they remain stuck in the symbiotic stage, where they are in the throes of codependency.


Codependency in action

Due to the lack of definition in the codependent dynamic, the subjective needs of one or both partners are neither acknowledged nor met, since the focus is on “us”, “we”. There is no sense of “l” and boundaries do not exist. This situation creates a dynamic where one or both partners start trying to control and manipulate each other in order to have their needs met, while maintaining this state of oneness. There is a push-pull and emotional manipulation. Controlling each other does not work because there are two different people, with different needs. They simply can’t define them individually.

When our needs are not met, it’s natural to start building anger which turns to resentment. Resentment is an overflowing bank of anger, which has been unprocessed for a long time. For the hostile dependent codependent couple, this culminates into anger outbursts and destructive cycles of arguments, verbal fights, physical fights, silent treatment etc. For the nonfighting, conflict-avoidant enmeshed couple, they will pretend that nothing is happening, while their resentment is amplified. This codependent dynamic is very difficult to break as both partners are unconsciously caught up in a vicious cycle and play each role very well. It serves both partners because they are fearful of abandonment.

It is vital to keep in mind that these are unconscious dynamics. Some couples are aware of their emotional dependency on each other, and they do not want to confront it, while others come to therapy because the dependency becomes too painful. Other couples are not aware of their codependency until they come to either couples therapy or individual therapy.


The psychodynamics of codependency

The primary drive of codependency is fear of abandonment. Fear of abandonment is fundamentally related to our drive for survival. Our ancestors lived in batches because they looked out for each other. Abandonment meant death; being mauled by wild animals. The very primitive part of our being seeks safety everywhere and, in relationships, the need for safety becomes even more amplified.

In a codependent dynamic, the phantasy is that “If I assert my needs, he/she will leave me” and “If he/she leaves, l won’t survive”. Since safety is an innate need, unconsciously when there is an impending threat of abandonment, our sense of safety is threatened and one feels incredibly vulnerable. Therefore, symbiosis is for safety reasons, yet it’s also unhealthy as it means we do not grow. It’s stifling as in reality it turns into neediness, control, and other obsessive behaviours.

People with anxious attachment styles (Bowlby, 1969) are likely to end up in codependent relationships. These people often lack self-esteem and have a very fragile sense of self. The relationship itself gives them a definition, and they don’t have any other definition outside the relationship.

If the relationship ever breaks down, these people will struggle to recover because their sense of self is very much anchored in that relationship, and they need their partner to make them feel whole. As children, their parents were inconsistent in how they emotionally responded to them. Keeping a close distance becomes their way of mitigating the abandonment threat and staying safe.


Ways to navigate a codependent relationship

To identify whether or not you are in a codependent relationship, the initial questions you need to ask yourself are:

  •  “Can I be with my partner without losing myself?”
  •  “Who am l, outside this relationship?”
  • “When does giving become depleting myself and neglecting myself.”
  • “When does giving become an entitlement from my partner?”
  • “Am l whole without my partner?”

Move on to exploring whether you go into patterns of extreme highs and lows with your partner. Reflect on whether you can assert your needs from a subjective place of “l”. How is this received, and do you feel safe?

Ask yourself whether your feelings and needs are acknowledged. Then start by identifying what you want in the relationship that you are not getting, and what feels like a sacrifice for your happiness. Learn to assert your needs and feelings from a subjective place of “l want”, “l feel”, “l need”…

If you think you are in an unhealthy codependent relationship, seek help from a qualified couples therapist or individual therapist who will help you explore your situation and work through it. Many couples move from being in a codependent relationship to having a healthy interdependent relationship through doing the work in therapy. A lot of it is related to our early wounding around abandonment and rejection.

References

Bader, E., Pearson, P. (1988). In Quest of the Mythical Mate: A Developmental Approach To Diagnosis And Treatment In Couples Therapy. London: Routledge

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books.

Klein, M. (1946). Notes on Some Schizoid Mechanisms. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 27, 99-110.

Image Credit- Anna Hecker- Unsplash

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Environment & Growth: How Does the Environment Affect Your Growth?

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No part of this website, including the blog content may be copied, duplicated, or reproduced in any manner without the author’s permission. Any information, materials, and opinions on this blog do not constitute therapy or professional advice. If you need professional help, please contact a qualified mental health practitioner.

 

Environment & Growth: How Does the Environment Affect Our Growth?

Charles Darwin (1809-1882) developed the theory of evolution, based on the notion of natural selection, and survival of the fittest. While this theory is very ancient and fundamentally archaic, it helps us understand the intersection between our environment, and our growth. Growth is dependent on our environment. In order to grow, we need to have the physical conditions that promotes growth.

In our lives, growth could be in our jobs, careers, romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships, sense of self and life as a whole. Stuckness in our growth could simply be due to us being in an environment that is not conducive to our growth. For example not cultivating an environment where our romantic relationship thrive as a couple, means the relationship will not grow.

In our jobs and careers, we could be very fearful leaving our current role, and seek new opportunities professionally. That means we stay in the same environment and stop growing.

Our friendships and the relationships we create with others, are a significant part of our environment. You are likely to thrive if you surround yourself with people who inspire you, motivate you, challenge you and people you can learn from. At the same time, you are likely to wither, & feel depleted and not grow, if you around yourself with people who brings you down, and don’t have your interest at heart. Keeping these friendships mean our growth will be forever stunted as they, are hindering it.

Growth is multifaceted. Lack of awareness, or fear of change of environment means we could be stuck in a no growth zone for a very long time, with all the frustration that comes with it.

Growth only starts when we step out of the familiar and comfort environment. Whenever there is discomfort, or there is growth. It’s painful because we are stretching. And that’s how we grow.  Nothing  happens  in the comfort zone.

Our environment entails what we naturally get, and how much nurturance we get from others.

Role of the Environment

Our environment is key to our wellbeing (emotional & mental) and growth in life. To achieve optimum growth, we need an environment which promotes our wellbeing, so that we can be our authentic ourselves, thrive, & not have to hide certain aspects of ourselves. An environmental that is nurturing promotes exploration & sharing of ideas, thoughts, engagement, freedom of expression, creativity & makes us feel seen & heard. Winnicott (1953;  1965; 1971) gives emphasis to the role of the environment in facilitating growth. He postulates the necessity of having holding environment,  and the presence of an environmental mother who can create a safe space where the child can learn to play.

Our environment entails what is given to us naturally (sunlight) and the remainder- watering, fertiliser, cultivating, and culling is human made. It’s all part of the nurturance which we need for our environment in order to grow.

Internal Stuckness & External Environment

The internal sense of stuckness in life can be a result of our external environment. Its difficult to comprehend, yet very true. Our internal world and external environment are intricately linked, one affecting the other. It’s very easy to ignore that your stuckness maybe because you are in an environment that is not promoting your growth. At times the environment itself is directly causing your stuckness. Changing your environment is simply what needs to happen, in order for you to start thriving and bearing fruit.

3 Elements Behind Lack of Growth or Limited Growth

1-You are in the wrong environment.

2-Your environment doesn’t fully promote your growth, it may be stifling it.

3-You have stopped growing, your growth is elsewhere & the environment you are in no longer gives you the “nutrition” you need.

Plant & Tree Metaphors

If you put an orchid in direct sun light it dies. It thrives in misty and humid environments, away from direct sunlight. Orchids are indeed unique and beautiful. This is no exception. You need to know where to place your houseplants (environment) in order for them to thrive, otherwise they die. The same happens to us humans; we need to know which environment promotes our growth & stimulates the areas we are not growing. Without that, we do not grow because we are not in the right place.

A tree grows tall, with big leaves & becomes fruitful if it is in the right environment. While it is nourished in the roots, it’s environment is key to its overall growth. Plants & trees are either tropical or hardys & this determines the environment they thrive in. Palm trees are tropical plants which grows in warm, sunny climates, and even desert conditions. Some plants can’t survive in harsh weathers & others die in hot weathers. No matter how much you nourish the “roots”, there is no growth or limited growth, if you are in the wrong environment. The irony is that the things that make us grow are the ones we avoid the most. Why because they are not always pleasant.

We have a variety of plants species-some which thrive in dry conditions while others thrive in wet conditions. Lotus plant also known as a water lily is a beautify plant which produces beautiful flowers. It only grows in wet conditions.

While these metaphors are related to plants and trees, they also reflect our process as humans. We are constantly in the process of growing, each day, hour and minute, accounting to our growth. If we are in the wrong environment, our growth will be stunted. This is what Darwin considers to be survival of the fittest. Being in the wrong environment could mean end of survival and ultimate death of the species.

Know who you truly are, what things you are good at, and seek the right environment for it.

Questions to Ask Yourself about your growth and environment.

Career, Job, & Relationships

  • Am I growing?
  • What am l really good at?
  • Who am l really am & who is my partner? What do we do together, are we learning & growing?
  • What do I want to do that I cannot  do right now?
  • Can I be myself?
  • Am I valued?
  • Am I seen?
  • Am l heard?
  • Do I have freedom of thought?
  • Do I have freedom of expression?
  • Am I safe to explore ideas & share them?

If you answered no to any of these questions, you may be in an environment that is impinging on your growth.

Some thoughts for consideration

Our environment is primary to our growth and well-being.

We cannot thrive in an environment where we cannot be ourselves and our needs are not met.

A lot of people find themselves stuck in painful situations because of fear of change and anxiety about stepping out of their comfort zones.

This is the growths zone. Internal change has to be mirrored by external change vice versa. You can’t grow in an environment that is not conducive to your growth.

In order for a tree or plant to grow flowers it needs rain & the sun. These conditions are not favourable as there maybe hail, thunder, scorching heat, wind and drought. Yet that’s what makes them grow.

As humans, our growth is also dependent on conditions that may feel very painful and unfavourable. However, only in the pain & discomfort lies our growth.

The last year may have been a year of disappointments, failures, loss, adversity, and lack, understand that it prepared you for a better future. Bearing it all is where your growth was.

You are more refined, stronger and you are more sophisticated.

No rain no flowers
No rain no fruits

If we don’t have a rainy and wet environment, we cannot enjoy he beautiful flowers.

 

References:

Winnicott, D. W. (1953). Transitional objects and transitional phenomena; a study of the first not-me possession. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 34, 89–97.

WinnicottD.W. (1965The M Aturational Processes and the Facilitating EnvironmentMadison, CTInternational Universities Press.

WinnicottD.W. (1971). Playing and Reality. LondonPenguin.

 

Image Credit-OneHundredSeventyFive – Unsplash

 

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Dementia: Loss, Grief, and Tips for Patients and Carers

COPYRIGHT CITY SANCTUARY THERAPY

No part of this website, including the blog content may be copied, duplicated, or reproduced in any manner without the author’s permission. Any information, materials, and opinions on this blog do not constitute therapy or professional advice. If you need professional help, please contact a qualified mental health practitioner.

 

This article was published on the Counselling Directory  Platform on the 11th April 2023

 

Dementia: Loss, grief and tips for patients and carers

Many people have loved ones or know someone who has a loved one who developed dementia. Some people have lost (through death) their loved ones to dementia, and some are carers for parents or relatives with dementia.

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The Alzheimer’s Society (2023) reports that there are nearly 900,000 people living with dementia in the UK and that this number is likely to rise to 1.6 million by 2040. The rise in numbers is due to increased awareness, which translates to more and more people being diagnosed and treated.

The reality is that dementia is not talked about as much as other forms of mental illness; it needs more attention. It is painful to witness the changes caused by the cognitive symptoms (memory loss and personality changes) as well as the behavioural changes, secondary to dementia. These changes tend to worsen as dementia progresses; the impact of the loss of faculties becomes more pervasive.

Dementia is a cruel illness, and insidious in nature. It affects anyone regardless of class, colour, gender, or creed. The famous movie, The Iron Lady, showed how one of the most powerful women in the world, Margaret Thatcher, succumbed to dementia in her later life. With dementia, it’s as if the person you once knew dies, and there is a rebirth of a whole new person, albeit in the same body. One must go through a bereavement process, and grieve for the loss of a person who is still alive. There is a real conundrum. The loss is of the old version, and encountering the new version which is altered in many ways. The initial death in dementia is not a physical one, but a psychic one.

Dementia warps the concepts of time and space, past and present, life and death, the child and the adult, childhood and old age, dependency and independence. It gives merit to what Freud (1922) postulated that “the aim of all life is death”, and that in life there is a constant battle between life instincts (Eros) and death instinct (Thanatos). Seeing someone you love succumb to dementia does indeed raise a lot of existential questions. The adult regresses from a state of independence into a childlike state of complete dependence on others.

In advanced dementia, the functional decline and regression are extraordinary; the person regresses into the past, they may speak in a childlike manner, display childlike behaviours, needing feeding, continence management, bathing, putting to sleep, and all care. Just like a baby.

At times, short-term memory loss means the person may not recognise the faces of their loved ones. This can be very distressing for all involved. If the person is bi-lingual, they may lose the ability to speak the secondary language and revert to the primary, even if they may not have used it in their adult life. Those with dementia will also go through a grieving process and experience bereavement without an actual death – the death of their healthy self.

Depression often co-exists with dementia; many people who develop dementia will need treatment for signs of depression. And actually, many carers of dementia patients will also develop physical and psychological health issues secondary to the stress of their role, and the emotional strain.


What is dementia?

Dementia is a neurodegenerative disease, which causes progressive memory loss, personality changes, and a decline in social functioning (NICE, 2018). As dementia progresses, speech can be affected, which impacts communication, as well as functional decline. The loss of faculties leads to a decline in executive functioning abilities. The Alzheimer’s Society reports that 70% of people in nursing homes are people with dementia.

There is a myth that dementia only affects elderly people but this is not always the case. In the UK, the youngest person to receive a diagnosis was in their early 30s. Having a dementia diagnosis is not a death sentence. There are many people with a dementia diagnosis who live healthy and normal lives in society, following their prescribed treatment.

Signs and symptoms of dementia

Cognitive and behavioural changes include:

  • forgetfulness, memory loss (short and long-term in advanced dementia)
  • not remembering the names of people and places
  • losing valuables (keys, wallets) etc.
  • confusion-muddled thoughts
  • communication difficulties, jumbled sentences
  • disorientation – getting lost in familiar places
  • falls and accidents proneness
  • regression to “living in the past”
  • childlike behaviours – giggly and disinhibition
  • difficulties regulating emotions – emotional lability
  • aggression and irritability
  • paranoid and suspiciousness
  • wandering
  • functional decline: difficulties with basic skills such as shopping, bathing, cooking and continence

Dementia symptoms are known to worsen in the evenings, a phenomenon known as “Sundowning syndrome”.


Types of dementia

Alzheimer’s

Alzheimer’s is caused by a build-up of protein (amyloid) in the brain. There is then a shrinkage of the brain and loss of brain volume. Medication from the group called acetylcholinesterase inhibitors (ACHEIs) is used to slow down brain degeneration. People with Alzheimer’s are likely to experience gradual memory loss in comparison to the vascular type which is a more “step-wise” decline.

Vascular dementia

Vascular dementia is a result of limited blood supply to the brain; due to the narrowing or blockage of small blood vessels in the brain. It can also be caused by vascular accidents (undetected mini-strokes) which create pockets of damage on the brain, as well as major strokes.

VD cannot be treated with ACHEIs. Sufferers have to manage the underlying vascular diseases (high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease or high cholesterol) to minimise the risk of further accidents and deterioration. A healthy lifestyle is a recommendation.

Mixed dementia

Some people have a combination of both Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia. This is called Mixed dementia. They will have both AD and VD pathologies and can be prescribed ACHEis to help slow down the degeneration.

Lewy Body dementia

This type of dementia is less common that the others. This is caused by deposits of the abnormal protein, Lewy Bodies, in the brain. It is named after the neurologist Fritz Jacob Lewy, who discovered these Lewy Bodies.

 

Fronto-Temporal Dementia

Fronto Temporal Dementia (FTD) is a type of dementia which is caused by damage to the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain. It is easily mistaken for other types of dementias or mental illnesses, due to the behavioural symptoms the  FTD sufferer presents. Along with memory loss, people with FTD often present with behavioural problems, and language difficulties. Younger people are likely to be diagnosed with FTD, than any other forms of dementia, and it is likely to progress rapidly.


Dementia assessments (UK)

Dementia assessments are carried out by specialist teams in the NHS called Dementia Assessment Services/Memory Assessment Services. Some people have assessments done privately. The assessment follows a medical model; only a psychiatrist can formally diagnose dementia, although a multidisciplinary approach is taken in the assessment and treatment.

Assessments involve a combination of psychometric assessments, brain Imaging-CT scans and MRI scans, family history, and at times, neuropsychology assessments carried out by clinical psychologists. Physical causes of memory loss must be ruled out before a dementia assessment is made. For example, urinary tract infections can cause delirium which mimics dementia symptoms, albeit reversible. Dementia stages can be viewed as mild-moderate or severe, and receiving a diagnosis in the early stages lead to better treatment outcomes.


Tips for caring for someone with dementia

Improving the well-being of families and carers

People with dementia are incredibly vulnerable. It is important that their families and carers are supported in their roles. Psychoeducation is a part of that. If you are a carer and you are feeling low, experiencing poor sleep, or anxiety, or are finding it difficult to cope, consult your GP and discuss therapy. Therapy will help you process and work through the emotional impact of having a loved one develop dementia (loss and grief).

If you suspect that your loved one is developing dementia, visit the GP and request a referral to a dementia specialist service for an assessment. Many people will put this off due to fear of what the assessment may reveal, but postponing things will only make the situation worse. Early detection means robust treatment and better outcomes.

All people with dementia benefit from a healthy lifestyle. NICE guidelines (2018) make this clear – eating healthily, maintaining a fitness regime, having a routine, and doing mentally stimulating activities are all essential to part of the treatment and management of dementia.

People with dementia benefit from a routine and structure. This minimises the confusion which often leads to agitation or aggression. Arrange day centre attendance where the person can spend time doing cognitively stimulating activities. Use visual aids to orient them, such as clocks and signage.

Engage in activities that help the sufferer reminiscent of the past, e.g. playing familiar music they used to enjoy, cooking meals they used to like, compiling a family album and going through the pictures together.

Many people feel guilty about letting go and want to do everything for their loved ones themselves. This often leads to burnout, as caring for those with dementia is extremely stressful. Seek help and support from carers and arrange respite to give yourself some time out.

As a carer/family member of a person with dementia, you are concurrently experiencing grief and loss of the person you knew. This can be spelt by feelings of anger, shame, guilt, sadness, regret, and real helplessness. It’s also easy to build resentment in the caring role, as caring for someone with dementia can be incredibly challenging. Many people in this position, if not looking after themselves (a common occurrence in carers) notice a decline in their own health due to either emotional overwhelm, the physical stress of caring, or both. It is important that you maintain your well-being and have a community and support network.

As a carer, make sure you prioritise your well-being. Taking a break and using respite care to enable you to replenish is necessary. Do things that you enjoy – engage in old and new hobbies.

If the deterioration worsens and the risk to you or the sufferer is getting high, it is best to place the person in a secure environment, e.g. a residential home or care home. Many people struggle with this, as they consider it to be a sign of failure or letting their loved ones down – it is not. As difficult as it may be, this is an act of love for yourself, and your loved one.


References

  • Alzheimer’s Society (2023) https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-us/policy-and-influencing/local-dementia-statistics
  • Freud, S., and Jones, E. (Ed.). (1922). Beyond the pleasure principle. (C. J. M. Hubback, Trans.). The International Psycho-Analytical Press. https://doi.org/10.1037/11189-000
  • NICE Guidelines (2018) Dementia: Assessment, management and support for people living with dementia and their careers. NICE: UK

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Why do people go to therapy?

COPYRIGHT CITY SANCTUARY THERAPY

No part of this website, including the blog content may be copied, duplicated, or reproduced in any manner without the author’s permissionAny information, materials, and opinions on this blog do not constitute therapy or professional advice. If you need professional help, please contact a qualified mental health practitioner.

 

I posed this blog topic as a question, as I think that very specific question requires huge attention;  it’s long overdue.  This question is fundamentally more topical now, as we live in a world where there is widespread misinformation, made possible by the internet, and some TV programmes, which are made for entertainment. Social media eg (Tik Tok, Instagram, Facebook) perpetuates this misinformation; we often forget that some people monetise their  content & will post anything that draws attention-clickbaits. Any one can  post anything online, and the information is not fact checked. This could be  misleading information and very harmful. I have had many clients diagnose themselves with all kinds of things- Personality Disorders, Anxiety, Autism, ADHD,  OCD, etc, after watching Tik Tok, Instagram posts, or the mighty Google. I always get them to reflect on the reliability of this information & recognise the harmfulness of it.

 

We live in a paradigm where people use Google, as a source of information. By simply reading someone’s advice or opinion on a particular subject, we tend to believe it, without questioning the validity, reliability, and credibility of the source of information.  There are numerous TV programmes where “individual therapy” or “couples therapy” sessions are screened. We forget that this is entertainment. I personally do not watch these programmes as the ethical issues that arise in most of them leaves me feeling very uneasy. Revolted to be frank.  Sadly, many people believe that the TV programmes of “therapy” sessions or “couple’s therapy” sessions depicts the reality of what happens in the therapy room. They don’t!  Many people are put off the idea of therapy after watching these TV programmes, while the inherent misinformation lead to some people approaching therapy with unrealistic expectations.

It’s almost impossible to know what therapy is about, unless if you have been in therapy yourself, or if you know someone who has been to therapy, who has shared their therapy experience with you.

By exploring with you why people go to therapy in this blog, l will hopefully shed some light to why people go to therapy in the first place, and highlight some of the nuances around  therapy.

 

The Therapist, The Human

In social settings, when asked what l do for a living, l find it easy to default into “l am a lecturer”. Why?  Because l know what kind of questions disclosing that l am a psychotherapist stimulates, which l would rather avoid & play safe.  I recognise this is something l do as a defence, as revealing that “l am a psychotherapist” or simply mentioning “therapy”, is met with a lot of questions that l don’t  feel comfortable  to answer in social settings. One question often triggers another. In short revealing that I am a psychotherapist is often met with shock, curiosity, and at times suspicion that l may have ulterior motives, and l can “read people’s minds”. That’s not what I am about; l certainly do not have the magical powers to do that. It’s not flattering at all, rather jarring.  On the contrary, another  reason why l avoid talking about therapy in social settings is that l tend to get very passionate; just like being in class with my students. So instead, I go into survival mode, which is not okay. But it makes sense in the moment.  When I have disclosed that l am a psychotherapist, two of the main questions l have been consistently asked are “what is therapy” and “why do people go to therapy”. The first question was answered in my second blog post on “Navigating the Therapy World.” It is therefore essential that we discuss why people go to therapy after all.

 

Why do people go to therapy?

It is difficult to answer this question without sounding simplistic, and being intentionally so. People tend to approach therapy at different stages in their lives, and with varying presenting issues.  The reasons are not universal. People are not impacted by the same things in life, and their ability to cope with certain life situations differs depending on many factors, including how we were raised in our homes, how our parents dealt with our emotions, and their emotions, which all defines the level of emotional maturity we have achieved.

Fact- people come to therapy for different reasons. Some come to therapy when they are in crisis- for example following a relationship breakdown, bereavement, job loss, or acute mental health challenges. Others come to therapy as part of their personal growth and development. Some may be aware of distressing thoughts, feelings, and repetitive patterns which are impacting on their wellbeing, and life in general.    There are some people who are more psychologically minded and will have an awareness that there were some “traumas” or pernicious experiences in their past and would like to use therapy to explore them. The notion of “working through” is used in therapy, as therapy is a process that requires confronting, and coming to terms with some parts of ourselves that may have been unconsciously split off, disavowed, denied, or felt very alien to us. In working through, we are able to create meaning out of something that may have been meaningless, and provoking distress, emotionally burdening, or stimulating disturbing feelings. Having a deeper understating of ourselves enables us to be more in control of these feelings,  make sense of them and have clarity.  Instead of being reactive or being at the mercy of them, we can embrace them with grace, compassion, understanding, and be more reflective. Many people will have had previous relationship traumas;  the new relationship experience with the therapist in the present, can effect change in many ways, for example by enabling them to learn new ways of relating,  attunement,  affect regulation, develop a secure attachment, and enhance reflective abilities.

 

Another concept central to why people come to therapy is “processing”. I consider this to be a form of psychological metabolism. By processing, we are able to enrich our lives with the learnings we take from the processing, and let go of what we do not need. Just like when we have a meal, the body processes  the food,  derive nutrition from it, and let go of the waste. We do the same in therapy, food symbolising our life experiences-unpack, breakdown, nourishing ourselves, & let go of what no longer serves us. A major aim of therapy is to enhance reflexive function- therapy provides one with an opportunity to explore, experience, consider and master feelings. The relationship with the therapist is central to this.

 

Intellectual Understanding vs Emotional Understanding

I found this very simple formulation helpful:  Some people come to therapy because they feel and need help to understand, while others understand and need help to feel.

This is so profound as it captures what therapy is about. Many people who come to therapy are very intelligent individuals and they “get it” intellectually. However, there is another level of understanding-emotional understand- which is missing. Therapy helps them develop an emotional vocabulary (naming & understanding their emotions) and integrate that to their intellectual understanding. Intellectualisation can also be a defence (Klein, 1926) which people use to keep difficult feelings at bay. Therapy is a process of slowing down and allowing an integration of cognitive understanding and emotional understanding. This requires a lot of vulnerability and trust as it means letting go of the defences that we have used throughout our lives and getting used to new ways of being.  By emotionally understanding, it means we can be more in touch with ourselves, and embrace our emotions without fear, or overwhelm. This is why and how therapy enable us to experience ourselves more wholesomely.  I fundamentally believe that having a healthy relationship with ourselves is a prerequisite to having healthy relationships with others. We cannot see, love, and accept others without firstly seeing, loving, and accepting ourselves, with all the good and the bad.

 

Narrative Competence

There is so much power and healing in telling our stories, in our own words. Many people find it difficult to remember or have coherence in their life experiences and the past. Their memories may be patchy, vague, jumbled, and at times completely absent-erased. This is more so when there has been past trauma, and when there has been experiences that are psychologically painful. The mind has a sophisticated way of protecting us, for its own survival. In the context of “trauma” Van Der Kolk writes a lot about how  trauma is stored and how traumatised people experience incomprehensible anxiety and numbing, and how trauma affects their capacity to concentrate, to remember, to form trusting relationships, and even to feel at home in their own bodies. Although this work is around trauma, it helps us  understand how trauma affects our ability to remember things and  how it can manifest in a somatic form. (Re-trauma, read my blog on Adverse childhood experiences). This is why at times some people  are overwhelmed by feelings, but they cannot locate the source of the feelings, which is in the past. The ability to describe one’s past, however painful clearly and coherently, without denying or censoring aspects of it, is indeed a powerful and transformative experience. This also enhances our ability to name feelings, experience them, and self sooth. This reflective and reflexive work enables one to re-evaluate the past and create personal meaning. Developing a coherent narrative enables us to integrate different aspects of our lives that may have been deemed to painful & split off or repressed. This work can only be done in a contained space- therapy. This is why the space itself has to be safe & secure enough for this work to be done. There is evidence that our minds can adapt to change, over the course of our life time, a term called neuroplasticity. This neuroplastic quality of our mind enables us to work through the past, by replacing “old experiences” with new ones that are built in the safety of the relationship with the therapist.

 

Do Therapists Fix People?

This question has come up very often, especially when people are approaching therapy for the very first time, with specific problems-they want to be fixed!  No, Therapists do not fix people. Therapists are human, and therapy is a process that is co-created and co-constructed by two humans. Therapists have feelings too, and clients do not often have the awareness of just how deeply they affect and change their therapists. Therapists are work in progress, like everyone else; we learn a lot from our clients. The process is not about the therapist having the answers, and telling the client what to do; rather finding the answers between us. The admirable Psychoanalyst Patrick Casement (1985) wrote an excellent book called On Learning from the Patient, dedicated to exploring how therapists creatively learn from their patients. There is a notion of therapists being all knowing, which is not true. Therapists don’t have the answers for their patients. They are there to hold the mirror for the clients to see a reflection of themselves on that mirror. They may guide or lead, or direct. However, it is fundamentally the client who is the master of their own life. Therapy gives people a voice, the ability to define themselves, and empowerment to do so. From the therapist’s perspective, it is countertherapeutic to work  from a place of omnipotence, as it simply means we are seeking to serve our own narcissistic needs by being a “great therapist”.  I myself have been a therapist for many years, and l do not consider myself some kind of guru.  In any therapy, there are two human beings, in the therapeutic space. None of them is neither superior to the other, nor better than the other. The therapist in not all knowing.

 

On the very notion of therapist meeting their own ego needs, Winnicott (1969) said that “ The principle is that it is the patient and only the patient who has the answers” . This is a caution against the idea of  the therapist being the fixer and giving clients, the right “tools” to “fix” things. Therapy is a journey that is taken by both client and therapist. It is not an event, or simply a meeting that takes place once weekly.  The journey itself can be precarious, and prone to having ups and downs. The ability for the therapist to “hold” the client through the journey, and through the turmoil, is what becomes successful therapy. Winnicott (1969) writes about the concept of “holding” as a mother who holds the baby in the early stages of life- providing a holding environment and psychological holding. The therapist has to have an emotional relationship with a client, but also be able to emotionally separate themselves from the client material. This is complex, and a rather contradictory place to be, where the therapist can be with the client, and bear their feelings with them, and survive it together, without contamination. The ability to survive is what the client internalises and subsequently build their own internal resources. The ability to function in this reflexive and paradoxical space, explains why therapy training is long,  and very rigorous, and why its mandatory for trainee therapists to be in analysis. Qualified and practising therapists go to therapy too. I have done, and go back to replenish when l need to.

 

The Relationship- Boundaries

There need to be boundaries between the therapist and client in any therapy that is therapeutic. Many clients who are new to therapy experience a degree of frustration of having to tell the therapist about themselves, and the therapist not reciprocating. It makes sense to them why this is necessary as time goes on. The relationship between therapist & client  is neither a friendship, nor is it any personal relationship where you would discuss your day-to-day shopping, fashion trends, football or other day-to-day stuff. It is unique in many ways. It is a therapeutic relationship; a deeply intimate and meaningful one. Oversharing with clients turns the process into it being about us (therapist) than the client, and takes away the attention from the client. There is an imbalance of power from the outset as the client consult the therapist who has certain accolades to qualify their position. I always remind my clients that they are hiring me, which is true, and this neutralises the power dynamic. I remind my clients to call me by my first name (Joyline), as my professional title implies a degree of authority and knowledge.  When a therapist starts disclosing and overstepping this boundary, they are creating a power dynamic, where the client becomes secondary. Social media platforms also create real issues for some therapists with regards to what they can share, and how much they can share of themselves even if it relates to wellbeing, mental health, or therapy. It is indeed very easy to breach this boundary, albeit with good intentions. Clients come to therapy because their own boundaries may have been impinged on, or they have never learnt to create boundaries. By oversharing, we are simply modelling the pathology that they need to work on and retraumatising them.  Some clients come to therapy because no one has ever given them undivided attention, or showed an interest in them, and they are neither valued nor respected and feel ignored. It’s very easy to repeat the same trauma with our clients when we step outside the boundaries of a professional relationship.

 

Safety and Security in the Relationship

 Safety and security are innate needs, that humans are biologically wired to seek. We are programmed to seek safety and security and without it, we defer into survival modes of fight, flight or freeze.  Just as an animal would;  that’s the essence of who we are as humans, who belong to the animal kingdom. This becomes paramount in any therapeutic encounter. There is an encounter of two strangers. Clients need to feel safe, secure, and held, not just in a physical sense but held in the mind. This is the foundation of clients working through their difficulties, knowing that the therapist is holding them in the mind, and they are safely held. The therapist act as what Winnicott terms the “auxiliary ego” for them, by being able to hold the client in the mind. Winnicott (1960) wrote about this concept hypothesising that the therapy dyad mirrors the mother and baby relationship, where the client identifies with the baby, and the therapist the mother. The mother has to be capable of holding the baby safely, by having the function of being the auxiliary ego.

 

Despite there being different modalities to therapy, most therapy approaches will have the following qualities:

  •  Discussing presenting issues & their onset
  • Discussing past experiences
  • Exploring distressing thoughts and feelings
  • Affect and expression of emotions
  • Identifying recurrent themes and patterns
  • Learning to identify and name feelings
  • Developing an understanding of our emotional life
  • Making some links between past and present
  • Creating a definition of self
  • Meaning making-creating meaning around one’s experiences

 

Some therapy approaches (more specifically CBT) focus on the present, and will entail a lot of behavioural experiments and homework. This is unlike most approaches to therapy which are explorative, and themes emerge naturally.

 

As a therapist, I have struggled with the notion that there are certain modalities that are based on the principle that  by ticking boxes, clients’ experiences can be reduced to specific diagnoses, and there are certain “proven scientific tools” applied as a form of treatment. This is what some of the contemporary and so-called evidence-based therapies purport. The basis of this approach is a medical model; applying it to something hermeneutic (therapy) is problematic.  The human experience is very complex, and multifaceted- from its bio, psychosocial, spiritual, sexual, and phenomenological contexts. While I appreciate that this approach is helpful for some acute problems- OCD, Agoraphobia, panic disorder, etc, the approach itself is reductive, and simplistic.  With these type of therapies, clients  have a prescribed set of treatment, and  they come with a set of tools and a manual. I fundamentally believe that this approach disregards the contesting and multivariate nature of what it means to be human. It also undermines the significance of the fundamental aspect of therapy which is the therapist and client’s deep and meaningful relationship, which is key to any successful therapy. The tools become the focal point, and we forget the person who is suffering and why they are suffering in the first place. This does not sit well with me. That said, I have found using this approach (tools) useful as a form of grounding for clients who are experiencing present day distress and functional  impairment, before going into therapy proper. When clients build a deep and intimate relationship with their therapist, they are also learning to build an intimate relationship with themselves and others, and to trust themselves and others. If we have an understanding of ourselves, we are likely to understand why we feel the way we do and why we do things the way we do them. When we have this awareness, we respond and not react. We experience the world in a conscious fashion; knowing something makes it less scary, less painful, and more bearable.

 

Therapy Metaphors

The House-Rearranging Psychic Furniture

 When thinking about therapy, I like to use the metaphor of a house to describe our psyche. If your house is  unattended, dirty, with furniture disintegrating, rubbish everywhere, paint/wallpaper falling off, lighting going off, and you keep stumbling and falling in that house, it won’t feel good, living in it. It will feel quite scary, and unsafe. Using that analogy, therapy is akin to you simply cleaning the house (psyche), rearranging the psychic furniture, and bringing everything back to life again-light switches etc. Rearranging the furniture, will entail moving things around, opening some packages & looking at what’s inside them & getting rid of what we no longer need. That’s why therapy can be a painful process, as it means confronting some of these packages that may be “foul and rotting” and getting rid of them. These may be packages that we have relied on, and deemed important. Therapy is a process of continuous loss and grieving over the loss, of the old and coming to terms with the new; what we become.  When you have a clean home, you will feel safe & in control. You will know where to find things, value your property and likely to continue taking great care of it.  This is why people who come to therapy become acutely conscious of their boundaries- it’s the psychic boundary they create after the process of  cleaning & rearranging their psychic home.

 

The Gym- Psychological Stretching

Therapy enables emotional stretching and expanding one’s emotional bandwidth. We go to the gym to exercise in order to strengthen our muscles & core- physique. Our emotions also need the same kind of stretching in order to maintain a certain level of robustness & stamina. Therapy enables us to do the emotional stretching & helps us to access a repertoire of emotions available to us in our emotional landscape, and understand them. Being in touch with our emotions and experiencing them fully, is what makes life meaningful, pleasurable, and rich.

Some people apologise for crying in sessions. Crying in front of the therapist is seen as a sign of weakness, and shameful. These are unhealthy internalised  notions. When you go to the gym, you sweat. By crying in session, you are simply sweating. And that’s ok. Believe me, therapists do tear up as well, when they are deeply impacted by your story. They just don’t break down and disintegrate.  We are right there with you. And l must confess, l have on many occasions been deeply affected by my clients’ stories (countertransference) and shed a tear with them.  For them. And that is indeed a special and deeply intimate moment, that no words can describe. In that moment, we encounter each other as fallible humans,  and heal together. l remain human, and will always be one.

 

References:

 

Casement, P. (1985.) On learning from the patient: Tavistock Publications. London

 

Klein, M. (1946). Notes on Some Schizoid Mechanisms. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 27, 99-110.

 

Winnicott, D. (1960). The theory of the parent-child relationship, International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 41:585-595

 

 

Winnicott, D.W. (1969). The use of an object, International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 50:711-716