ln a world that is fast changing, the family structures, as well as relationship frames are also changing. Traditionally a family as a concept was made up of a father (man) who is the breadwinner, a mother (woman) who is the child rarer, and children raised by two parents.

Women typically stayed at home and reared the children, until they started rearing their own grandchildren. Women were primed to be the mothers, homekeepers, and family caregivers. The industrial revolution was indeed a paradigm shift which was defined by women leaving their culturally assigned roles of unpaid housework, into paid employment, which some will consider the beginning of feminism.

In contrast, men have always enjoyed the more superior role of being the provider, and naturally the head of the family- modern society still emulates similar dynamics. For our ancestors who were hunter-gatherers, men went to do the hunting, while women did the cooking of the catch. Despite the more recent shifts in gender roles, women have largely remained the carers, while men are the providers. These gender disparities create implicit power imbalances between men and women.

Patriarchy is a societal system which stems from the very notion that men are the rulers, and women are the ones to be ruled.  Interesting to note is the etymology of the word patriarchy, which is an English word coined from the Greek word “patriarkhes”, which means “the rule of the father”.

Changes to the family unit as well as the relationship frame in contemporary times mean we now have families made up of two men or two women in a same-sex relationship, raising their children. Advancement in the medical world means some same-sex couples can have biological children and raise them in the context of a same-sex parental home and family unit – for example, Sir Elton John.

There are families made up of two partners who are either married or unmarried and a pet. Other families are made up of two partners raising stepchildren, adoptive children, or foster children. Partners who choose to be childless can still identify themselves as a family, while individuals who are not in relationships and choose to be childless, can have what they consider their “chosen families”. These deviations from the traditional family and relationship frame made up of a father, mother, and their biological children need to be highlighted.

Voluntary and involuntary childlessness

As a therapist who has worked extensively with women who are childless by choice or due to fertility issues, I have become aware of the difference in the trajectory these women take in their journeys to childlessness and the associated emotional vicissitudes.

We tend to take the ability to conceive and gestate a live baby for granted, as it comes easy and spontaneously for some. However, many women do suffer from complex fertility issues which leaves them incapable of conceiving or gestating. In contrast, some women make a conscious decision at some point in their lives not to have children, and they never make any attempts to try. Although the outcomes are the same between women who voluntarily don’t have children and those who do so involuntarily, the difference between these two camps is the notion of choice.

Not wanting something because you are not interested in it, is different to wanting it and being denied. The woman who made the choice not to have children will have a very different experience from the one who did not make a choice and tried without success. This means involuntary childlessness, is encumbered by a sense of loss and grief and mourning for what could have been – a child, a family with children, and coming to terms with the reality.

Women who became childless by choice don’t tend to experience grief and loss as the decision not to have children is made consciously. They would have thought through and worked through it. This important distinction is significant as it helps us consider how we approach childlessness, and how we relate to childless individuals. I notice that in my using the the word child-less, less implies a lack! Childfree is more appropriate; however, I will stick to childless.

Some of the reasons why women may be childless

Women’s identities in society have changed over time. One of the ways that women are fighting patriarchy is by holding the same positions in their careers, and in jobs traditionally held by men. Gender roles have changed. There are now stay-at-home dads, female CEOs, wives who are breadwinners etc. We have even seen female presidents, and vice presidents which highlights some of the changes. What has not changed is that only women can carry a pregnancy and mother.

1. Career focus

For career-driven women, there is often a tension between their career and child-rearing, starting a family. It is often the case that the fertility window gets narrower as their careers are at their peak. Pausing one’s career to start having children can indeed be a big impingement on one’s career that they would have worked hard to achieve.

It’s more natural and sensible for these women to make the decision to pursue their careers, and put off having any children. This choice aligns with their lifestyle, values, and trajectory in life. It is a decision that many women tend not to regret, as their decisions it out of choice.

2. Personal choice

Some women just make the decision from very early on in their lives, or at some point in their lives that they do not want to have children. This may be because they want to enjoy their independence, and not have to hold the responsibility of raising a child. Some radical feminists consider having children as a way society uses women as childbearing vessels and child-rearing tools. One of the ways of fighting patriarchy is by claiming the right to their bodies (womb) and how they use it.

3. Early trauma

Some women would have experienced early trauma in their own childhood, and becoming parents is something that they naturally become averse to. Adversity in childhood, such as emotional neglect, abuse, witnessing parental conflict, or discordant parental relationships informs their decision to not have children.

They may be aware of the lack of inner resources to parent due to their own deficits and, therefore, choose not to have children. Some of these women may not be conscious of how the past trauma informs their decision-making, which comes to light when they start therapy.

4. Fertility issues

A huge number of women who are childless are people who had wanted to have children and were not successful due to fertility issues. Gynaecological health issues are widespread with millions of women diagnosed with fibroids, endometriosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome etc.

These women will experience complexities in their attempts to conceive, which can be very traumatic and emotionally wounding. These women’s childlessness and trajectory in life are very different to those who voluntarily choose not to have children.

5. Socio, economic, political

The socio, economic, and political climate is very unstable now. This drives some women to become reticent about bringing children into a world with so much volatility. The rising cost of living, crime, safety threats, and the political quagmire is something that not only affects us now but future generations.

For some, they would not want to rear children in a world that is unsafe and turbulent, therefore shaping their decisions not to have children. I have heard women who choose not to have children in respect of climate change, and the world becoming overpopulated, which is a potent reason.

Societal attitudes towards childlessness

There remains a lot of stigma, shame, and negative attitudes towards women who are childless, whether voluntarily, or involuntarily. No one should go around declaring why they are childless. Society never really considers the reasons for it – the tragic stories behind some of these childless women, which include fertility problems, childhood trauma etc.

Voluntary childlessness is a personal decision and choice one makes; however, society still tends to treat voluntary childlessness as something selfish and irresponsible. Women who choose to be child-free do not have to declare their reasons for it; it is perfectly within their rights to do so. Yet they are made to feel that they have to explain themselves and they have done something immoral.

Although this shaming is common in most cultures, certain cultures tend to treat childless women more harshly than others – for example, the Black and Asian cultures. In these communities, by a certain age, women are mandated to be in marriage with a husband and children. This curtails their careers, and any other life plans these women may have. Without fulfilling this family obligation, one is met with a lot of contempt and condemnation, as they are seen as not following the family values. Some of these women unconsciously rebel by never having children or getting married. This is also their way of claiming their autonomy over their lives and bodies.

While not having a child is a personal decision, from the stories l have heard, it is often met with a lot of antipathy, scorn, pity and judgement from family and friends. Typically, family and friends tend to look down on the child-free person simply because they are childless.

Direct or indirect questions tend to be asked about why one is not a parent “yet”. At times it’s sarcasm. Family gatherings become a source of stress and anxiety as these environments breed these antisocial and pernicious enquiries. This behaviour and line of questioning is inappropriate as one’s decision not to have children is indeed a personal one.

When you pity someone, you are inadvertently looking down on them, casting your shadow on them. Pity is something that most women who are childless feel from others. They are seen as misfits, and people who have failed in some way, no matter how successful they are in other areas of their lives. This does indeed impact the mental health of people who legitimately have reasons not to have children – out of choice or through circumstances – they are judged by societal standards. These attitudes are even more harmful to women who may have wanted children and failed due to fertility issues.

Self-care tips for childless women

1. For the childless woman, it’s important to create boundaries with others who may ask personal questions about your decision not to have children. You don’t have to explain your decisions to anyone, and you don’t owe them an explanation of your decision.

2. Family members and friends, if you are around somebody who is childless do not always ask personal questions about their decisions or put your judgement on their decisions. Having a child is not a sign of success, nor is choosing to be child-free a failure.

3. Instead of judging others for what you consider a failure, be curious and learn to appreciate their own decisions and choices, without casting your own views. Some women’s stories are those of trauma – when you open yourself up to the understanding that our motivations are shaped by our life foundations, we can have more empathy and compassion instead of judgements.

4. For women who did not volunteer to be child-free, but couldn’t due to circumstances, it’s important to consider this as a loss of what could’ve been. Every loss is followed by grief; it is paramount that one works through that grief and comes to a place of acceptance. Without doing that, seeing other families with children will always be triggering, as there is a reminder of what could have been – a wound that is not healed. Also being asked questions about why one does not have children also becomes very painful if the wound is sore.

5. For women who were not able to conceive naturally, consider adoption, or fostering. There are many children out there who need love and a safe home. Being a loving and nurturing parent who can provide them with a warm loving environment will change their world. And it will change yours too.

6. In general let’s view childlessness as a normal experience, not an aberration that invites scrutiny. Women have the right to make decisions about their bodies and their lives.

Despite the plethora of pro-health initiatives driven by social media, l have become aware that mental health and wellbeing practitioners do not give sleep the same level of attention and significance as they do to having a healthy diet, exercise, and hydration. Sleep is a key component of one’s well-being; any disturbances impact our physical, mental, and psychological well-being.

Despite having evolved over a millennium, we are innately cavemen; our bodies and minds are not primed to deal with the heightened level of stimulation of the present day. Sleep is therefore even more important to reset, restore, and replenish our minds and bodies as intimately linked systems. Our ancestors lived in the jungle and didn’t have electricity, electronic gadgets, and the level of noise pollution we deal with. While they had their hunter-gatherer problems, they didn’t have to strive in the way that we do as a result of living in a capitalist society focused on productivity.

We live in a society where sleep problems are normalised, and no longer seen as insidious, and harmful yet they are. The dangers of lack of sleep cannot be underestimated as they are real. More recently, l have become aware that one can survive longer without food than they can do without sleep!

Both in my personal and professional life, l have encountered countless people who live on average 4 hours of sleep each night due to the nature of their jobs and careers. If there have deadlines etc, these hours could be even significantly less. I have encountered a highly successful man surviving on 4 hours of sleep working with colleagues in different time zones who fell asleep on the stairs as he couldn’t get himself to his bedroom; and a woman who fell asleep on the tube on the way her way to work, and woke up miles away from her destination. These are not isolated stories; they may sound funny, but looking closely, there is real sadness in how these people push themselves beyond capacity, without sleep, and their bodies just shut down.

On the contrary, lack of sleep makes one unproductive altogether, due to brain fogginess, tiredness, lethargy, reduced attention span, inability to retain information, and fatigue that is caused. Irritability and emotional sensitivity are some of the signs of poor sleep or a lack of sufficient sleep, which can lead to more complex mental and physical health problems. These behavioural and emotional changes can negatively impact interpersonal relationships.

Biological science suggests that the average amount of sleep for a healthy adult should be 7-8 hours; this is also dependent on several factors for example the level of daytime exertion, one’s physical health, etc. However, what’s crucial is the quality of sleep, not only the quantity. Work stress exacerbates poor sleep; I have met people who drag themselves to their office desk each morning powered by coffee or Red Bull- at times other narcotic stimulants as a way of coping with work stress which feeds into lack of sleep.

The human body and mind operate in the same way as a machine. It needs to be switched off, reoiled, serviced, and cleaned before it can be efficiently driven again, without causing you problems. If you keep pushing the machine without stopping it to do all the essential maintenance work, it collapses. Sleep helps our body and mind repair itself, recharge, replenish and reset. If you cannot give the body sufficient time to repair itself through sleep, it will fail.

Sleep as a psychosocial issue

Despite sleep problems being a complex that has roots in the social context, most people who visit GPs and other mental health practitioners such as psychiatrists are often diagnosed with insomnia, anxiety or depression (secondary to poor sleep) and prescribed hypnotics, antidepressants, antianxiety to help them sleep. This medical approach overlooks the problem which lies in the psychosocial – work stress and anxiety which lead to poor sleep. These are psychoactive medications which come with a whole host of unpleasant side effects, and one tends to become tolerant, needing higher doses. In therapy, it is important to address the root cause of sleep problems, address them as a psychosocial issue where adjustments can be made pragmatically, and also address the underlying “core beliefs” one may have created, which are typically around perfectionism and fear of failure.

CBT is a great model for addressing sleep problems as it gives the client both tools and psychoeducation. I wish some of these clients who end up medicated before could consider finding other ways they can minimise the work stress, and exercise sleep hygiene, so they can foster healthy sleep. Many a time there is a combination of stress and poor sleeping habits. Our minds work through repetition; if you stimulate your mind at night and it is used to being active instead of switching off, it will surely obey that command and you will find it difficult to find sleep at night. Many people who experience sleep disturbances or insomnia are hugely impacted by work-related stress. They often have demanding schedules and have the pressure to constantly be available which contributes to mental and physical arousal, making it difficult to asleep.

Contemporary life and stimulation

Our day-to-day life presents with so many mental and physical stimulations which naturally dysregulate the body from its natural homeostatic state, which contributes to poor sleep. Modern, fast-paced lifestyles are flooded with sources of stimulation, such as electronic devices, social media, work-related stress, and busy schedules, which do not allow for the body and mind to naturally regulate themselves. Electronic devices emit blue light that can suppress the production of melatonin, a hormone that regulates sleep-wake cycles. Some people end up being prescribed melatonin replacement (banned in the UK) as a way of replenishing their melatonin resources. However, as a side effect, this can also disrupt the natural sleep-wake rhythm and make it difficult to fall asleep.

Another issue that perpetuates sleep problems is the internet where there is constant access to information and communication through technology which creates a sense of urgency to catch up with the latest news. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) is a savvy concept coined to describe the anxiety caused by the perpetual consumption of social media and the subsequent fear of missing out it creates. This is even more problematic for people who have busy lifestyles and only have the time to go on their social media at night when they get home. Some of the news one watches for example wars or any other distressing events around the world can also create anxiety, which heightens the body’s arousal even further, making it more difficult to sleep.

Sleep and the body’s regulatory system – window of the tolerance

When we are physically and mentally stimulated, we go into a state of hyperarousal (fight/flight) which is one of the automatic self-preservative modes (red zone) in response to real or perceived danger. When we are in the hyperarousal state, our bodies become dysregulated, and the parasympathetic nervous system produces stress hormone cortisol, and adrenalin in response to the need to fight or fight.

Along with this are physiological responses such as racing thoughts, heart racing, muscle tension, interruptions to the digestive system, and our minds becoming sharp and alert. One cannot fall asleep if they are in this state, as the danger alarm system is going off. Due to the arousal, one is likely to reach for their phone and watch TV which creates a vicious cycle. In order to be able to fall asleep, one needs to bring themselves back down into the state where they are calm and able to switch off.

Sleep as a normal mammalian process

All mammals sleep and some sleep longer than others. Humans need sleep too, and they cannot function optimally without good quality sleep. Babies sleep longer as it is necessary for their rapid growth and getting used to the environment outside the womb. Some babies experience sleep regression, which can be very traumatic for the parents to cope with, causing distress to both baby and mother. On the other end, older people tend to sleep more and for longer periods, as their bodies require more time to repair themselves. Sleep is innate, any disturbances to it will without doubt trigger other complex health issues- depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, and other health problems. When we view sleep as a luxury, not a necessity, it undermines our health and innateness, which has foundations in sleep.

What happens when we sleep?

Sleep is not just a physical state of lying in a semi-conscious state. It is a mind-body experience where the mind is actively churning all the daytime material processing, and physiologically the body is repairing itself. While sleep hygiene is significant in developing healthy habits around sleep, what is even more important is understanding what happens during sleep, the significance of it, and how it aids to good mental health. It also helps us appraise the harmfulness of poor sleep, both physically and mentally.

A healthy sleep cycle has successive stages that are necessary for the body and mind’s ability to reset and restore itself.

Different stages of sleep:

• Stage 1: Non-rapid eye movement (NREM) sleep is divided into three phases each representing a deeper level of sleep. This cycle repeats multiple times throughout the night, with REM sleep occurring more frequently in the later stages of sleep.
• Stage 2: Rapid eye movement (REM).

Stage 1: Non-rapid eye movement (NREM) sleep

This is the transition stage between wakefulness and sleep. It is a light sleep stage where people may experience drifting thoughts and occasional muscle twitches. During the second stage, sleep gets deeper- the body temperature drops, the heart rate slows down, and brain activity decreases. This stage is also characterised by bursts of rapid brainwave activity.

The third stage of the non-rapid eye movement sleep is the deepest sleep stage, also known as slow-wave sleep (SWS). It is characterised by very slow brainwaves, and it is difficult to wake someone up from this stage of sleep. This crucial stage is where the body undergoes a restorative process such as tissue and organ repair and growth. People with sleep disturbances are less likely to experience this restorative sleep level, hence why they always feel tired, fatigued and lethargic.

Stage 2: Rapid eye movement (REM) sleep

This distinctive sleep stage is characterised by rapid eye movements, increased brain activity, and vivid dreaming as the brain is highly active. REM sleep is important for memory consolidation, learning, emotional regulation as well as emotional processing. When someone is struggling with a particular issue that may be emotionally burdening for them in their daily life (current or historic), it is in the REM sleep that the mind tries to process these emotions.

That’s why we tend to dream of things that may resonate with what we are experiencing or have experienced in life, although they may be distorted or ambiguous. During this stage, the body is typically paralyzed to prevent acting out dreams in a physical form. Another unique quality of REM sleep is that it is linked to creativity and problem-solving abilities. REM sleep is the quality sleep which is particularly beneficial to our mental and physical health. Lack of REM sleep or disrupted REM sleep patterns have been associated with mood disorders, anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue and other mental and physical health issues.

Sleep and dreaming

In the interpretation of dreams, Freud (1900) delved into dreams and the significance of sleep and dreaming as something that a healthy mind does, as according to him we dream to protect sleep and process. Freud viewed the capacity to dream as healthy, and dreaming as a way of using the psychic energy which is translated into images. He viewed dreaming as a manifestation of the unconscious, considering nightmares and other sleep disturbances as well as interruption of dreaming as a sign of psychopathology.

Freud viewed dreams as holding one’s wishes, desires, conflicts, and other aspects of ourselves we cannot readily make sense of in the conscious state. He considered dreaming as a state where our conscious, unconscious and subconscious, are porous, and there is an interaction between these three parts of our psyche and a consolidation of them. With this happening in the sleep state, repressed wishes, desires, and conflicts are to be found not only in the latent, but manifest material. For him, dreaming was “The royal road to the unconscious”. He considered dream interpretation a significant part of any psychotherapy that is intended to make the unconscious conscious. Although not backed by empirical evidence, Freud’s ideas on sleep and dreaming would fit the scientific explanation of what sleep is and how it is beneficial in emotional processing, problem-solving and creativity.

Ways of improving sleep

Poor sleep hygiene:

Irregular sleep schedules, excessive use of electronic devices before bed, a disruptive sleep environment, or consuming stimulating substances like caffeine or nicotine close to bedtime can all disrupt sleep and should be completely avoided. Have a sleep routine and engage in meditative exercise to regulate your body and allow it to rest.

Stress and anxiety:

High levels of stress or anxiety can make it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep. Minimize stress in your day-to-day life and give yourself time to rest and replenish your internal resources. When you are less stressed and not anxious, your body is in the green zone of the WOT and you are likely to find sleep easily.

Medical conditions:

If your sleep problems are persistent despite how much you try to exercise sleep hygiene, make sure you get checked for certain medical conditions such as sleep apnoea, restless leg syndrome, or hormonal imbalances.

Mental health disorders:

Conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or bipolar disorder can disrupt sleep patterns. If you tend to ruminate at night and find it difficult to sleep, there could be an unresolved issue that needs attention.

Medications, illicit substances and alcohol:

All these are psychoactive and they act on the brain which inhibits sleep. Certain medications, such as antidepressants, stimulants, or certain asthma medications, can affect sleep quality. Taking illicit substances recreationally or habitually can also cause sleep problems. Make sure your physician can evaluate your medication.

Poor sleep habits:

Engaging in activities that stimulate the mind or body close to bedtime, napping excessively during the day, and irregular sleep patterns can all contribute to poor sleep.

Environmental factors:

A noisy sleeping environment, uncomfortable bedding, extreme temperatures, or excessive light can all impact your ability to sleep and the overall quality of sleep.

It is important to establish healthy sleep habits and create a conducive sleep environment to counteract the overstimulation of present-day life and promote better sleep. This may involve creating a bedtime routine, limiting screen time before bed, managing stress levels, and prioritising self-care and relaxation.

Through my experience as a therapist and mental health practitioner l have observed that the societal attitudes towards crying are replicated in the therapy room. It is time that this problem is unpacked and addressed.

Although social attitudes towards crying vary greatly depending on cultural, societal, and individual factors, in Western society crying is seen as a sign of weakness and/or vulnerability. We have been socially conditioned to believe that certain things are good and bad, and we shouldn’t question why they are good or bad. We cannot always make any critical analysis of certain views, as it means deviating from the conventional opinions which always feel unsafe.

This is the case with crying, where there seem to be some implicit rules that forbid us from expressing emotions, and not crying in front of others as it is viewed as shameful and embarrassing. There is a lot of stigma around crying which also varies according to age, gender, and social status. Men are taught that to be masculine you must “toughen up” and not show emotions. The notions that “big boys don’t cry”, or “man up”, and for women, “it’s not cute to cry” and “crying makes you look silly” are embedded in our psyches.

Crying is often viewed as childish, a sign of immaturity, and juvenile because it is associated with babies. Babies cry a lot; because they cannot use language to express themselves or communicate their needs. Crying is also a fundamental part of the baby’s attachment behaviour, necessary for their psychological development.

The crying elicits a response in the caregiver which facilitates being taken care of. We know that in normal development, as babies get older and learn to use language, they tend to cry less. However, crying remains a fundamental part of our human make-up, in response to certain feelings and emotions such as upset, sadness, and hurt, and as a way of expressing emotional pain. It is therefore perfectly normal and healthy for adults to cry as an emotional expression when one is hurt, sad, upset and emotionally distressed.

Sadly, there remains a misconception that crying is anti-social, yet it is prosocial, driven by our innate drives, and the human part of us that emotes and seeks comfort. Crying remains an attachment-driven behaviour; when we cry, we invite others to attend to us and soothe us which fundamentally meets our attachment needs. The same process that happens in babies when they cry, it also happens in adults, and this is a perfectly normal human reaction.

Crying and the therapy room

I have learnt through my experience as a therapist, through interacting with other therapists, as well as from reading literature, that both male and female clients find it incredibly difficult to cry, or tend to apologise for crying in the therapy room if they do.

Therapists often have to remind some of their clients that they are human, it’s normal to cry, and normalise crying. This reminder often brings down the barrier to crying and enables the client to permit themselves to cry and allow a full expression of emotions. Suppressing emotions could be the reason why that individual may have ended up in therapy after all. In his book The Myth of Normal, Gabor Mate makes the link between the psychological and physical, highlighting that unprocessed emotions can manifest as psychic or physical pain and repressed emotions undermine the immune system.

I use the term “emotional constipation” to capture what happens when we suppress emotions. In the same way as unprocessed food (meals) causes physical constipation and tummy aches, unprocessed emotions also cause psychological constipation, which compacts our minds and causes us pain. The only way to process emotions is by allowing oneself to lean into them, as painful as it is, which will free one’s psychic space up, and create room for other emotions. Crying is a form of processing, and clearing up that psychic space.

Tears are pregnant with emotions, and we know that a good sob feels like an outpour of emotions and release. There are words embedded in those tears that should have been said, we should respect tears as a manifestation of the unspoken words.  Bearing the pain, and witnessing those tears in the therapy room, is a powerful and transformative experience, which is key to healing.

I often remind my clients that if they expect to sweat when they go to the gym, they should not shy away from sweating in the room; crying is a form of emotional sweating, and there is nothing wrong with it. Saying this is neither reassurance nor patronising; it is creating a human connection, and humanising myself as someone who emotes and does cry myself when the occasion arises.

Therapists are humans who are deeply emotionally moved by their clients’ stories and sometimes tear up. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as it’s not a matter of the client looking after the therapist who is clearly overwhelmed and emotionally flooded. Therapists have done many years of therapy and some still go to therapy. They do cry in their own therapy, and that makes them human.

Social status and personality

There is a perception that people of high status in society must remain stoic and not seen crying in public, as it is a sign of weakness and ineptitude. Although there is no direct message that crying is bad, modelling these defensive behaviours reinforces the notions that crying is anti-social, and a sign of weakness and perpetuates the negative attitudes towards crying. Many a time it is the parent, head of the family, or older sibling who is made to just carry on, no matter how much they are emotionally struggling and pretend everything is fine – “crying means l am weak, and l let everyone down”.

One’s personality and temperament is shaped by their unique experience growing up in their homes and the quality of care they received from their caregivers. Growing up in a home where crying is not permissible, or chastised, one internalises certain beliefs about crying and constructs “core beliefs” around crying. In adult life, this enforces the idea that crying is bad.

Core beliefs are conclusions about oneself based on life experiences. Core beliefs are fortified by rules for living which are standards in which self-worth can be measured, which supports the core belief. For example, one can have a core belief that “l am weak” and can build a rule for living that “l must not cry and remain stoic, otherwise l will be seen as weak”. These core beliefs are difficult to shake off or reframe particularly if they are supported by societal views, and modelled by people we look up to.

Crying and well-being

I am sure you can relate to the idea that “sometimes all l need is a good cry”. Crying can be cathartic, and lead to a release of emotions that cannot be accessed in any other way but a good sob!

The negative attitudes towards crying and full expression of emotions lead to suppressing emotions and hiding one’s true feelings. It also means we never learn to become emotionally literate as emotions are a big part of who we are which helps us understand what matters to us. They make life more meaningful and colourful, and crying is an expression of those emotions. Emotions make us want to act, and different emotions guide us towards different kinds of actions.

If you are watching a sad film or hearing a sad story, you are moved to tears – embrace it as it’s your emotions in action. The suppression of emotion is harmful as every emotion is valid. If emotions are suppressed, they will find a way to leak out – for example, unresolved grief/loss can manifest in depression, suppressed anger can manifest in depression or anger outbursts, and a traumatic event can lead to anxiety or PTSD symptoms.

In Gabor Mate’s book Myth of Normal, he highlights how unresolved trauma (suppressed emotions) can manifest in a physiological form, emphasising the need for emotional processing which may include crying. The same sentiment is echoed by Van de Kolk – The Body Keeps the Score – in his work on trauma addressing how trauma becomes embodied and translated into a psychological state.

By crying we are also able to soothe ourselves as crying releases oxytocin (love hormones and endorphins (natural painkillers), which support natural bonding. Bonding is a key element of our innate make-up as social beings. When we cry, we are likely to get attention from others who come forward to comfort and soothe us. This is a pro-survival skill which in many ways is linked to our desire to seek connection, comfort, and care from others. Crying can also make us feel calmer as one is likely to take in more deep breaths, balancing the oxygen-carbon dioxide ratio.

Dissociation

Dissociation is a state of emotional detachment from one’s thoughts and feelings which can lead to forgetting memories, periods in life, events, and experiences that would otherwise be readily accessible. Dissociation can happen on different levels – benign (zoning out) and more severe forms of dissociating which require professional treatment.

Dissociation develops as a defence mechanism against experiencing certain emotions which are deemed too painful or difficult at a young age, or in reaction to a traumatic event – for example, in the form of PTSD-related dissociation. When one dissociates, they do not experience any physical and emotional pain – they do not cry since they have no emotional reaction to the experience.

Dissociation is often a result of trauma – historic or acute. Trauma is not just what happened to you, for example, physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, dictators, accidents, or loss, but also non-events such as the emotional deficit in not having an adult who is emotionally available to an infant who may be experiencing complex emotions.

Wilfred Bion (1962a) writes elegantly about the baby’s caregiver’s function of receiving the baby’s complex emotions, handling them, detoxifying them, making sense of them, and handing them back in a palatable form. Bion (1962a) termed this function containment, which is related to the baby projecting into the mother and the mother being affected and responding to these projections, a term called projective identification. Bion (1962b) emphasised the caregiver’s ability to turn the Beta elements (unprocessed and unmetabolised affective experiences) into Alpha elements which the infant can think about and make sense of.

The absence of an emotionally attuned caregiver leaves the infant unable to process complex emotions, which can lead to dissociation as a way of dealing with what is for the infant viewed as life-threatening. People who experience some form of disturbances in this parental function are likely to dissociate or struggle with availing themselves to their emotions. They are likely not to cry as they are not emotionally affected.

Crying as a normal human experience

Crying is indeed a natural and healthy expression of emotion. It is not simply a reflexive tear production, but an emotional tear production. Crying can be seen as a way to release stress, sadness, or frustration, and is often considered a normal response to certain life events or situations.

If we are more accepting that crying is not a sign of weakness, but simply being human, we are likely to experience secondary physical and mental health problems related to suppressing emotions. When we embrace crying, we can even encourage others to express their emotions through tears and be vulnerable with us without fear of judgement. People tend to feel more comfortable crying openly when they know their feelings are validated and they will not be judged for it.

As a society, we must eradicate the stigma attached to crying, particularly for men, who may be expected to display emotional stoicism and not show any signs of weakness. I believe this is why both addictions and suicide are high in men in comparison to women. Women should also be allowed to express their anger, and cry despite it being viewed as “not being ladylike” and crying seen as “silly”. Embracing these emotions and fully expressing them through crying is healthy.

Overall, it is important that we create an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their emotions authentically without shame, and fear of judgement. In the therapy room a big part of our work as therapists is enabling clients to develop an emotional vocabulary, to help them better understand their emotions, and to allow a full expression of emotions.

When we can be vulnerable with each other, we can process emotions that we otherwise suppress, leading to depression, anxiety, problem anger, and other physical health problems. This also translates to people not carrying so much emotional baggage and utilise therapy as their only way to learn about their emotions and process.

Benefits of crying

1. Stress relief

Crying can help to alleviate emotional and psychological stress. It provides an outlet for releasing built-up tension and pent-up emotions, which helps in reducing anxiety and promoting relaxation and overall well-being.

2. Emotional catharsis

Crying serves as a form of emotional release. It allows individuals to express and process their feelings, enabling them to gain a sense of relief and clarity. It can help in dealing with grief, hurt, sadness, anger, frustration, or any intense emotions.

3. Mood enhancement

Crying triggers the release of endorphins and other feel-good hormones in the brain, which can improve mood and provide a sense of soothing and comfort. Crying helps individuals feel better and experience a sense of emotional release and renewal. Oxytocin and endorphins released in crying are natural feel-good hormones which promote physical and mental well-being.

4. Social connection

Crying can foster social bonding, empathy and connection with others. When others witness someone crying, it often evokes compassion and support, leading to a sense of connection and understanding. This can strengthen relationships, provide emotional support and foster connections.

5. Physical benefits

Tears help to lubricate and cleanse the eyes, preventing dryness and irritation. Crying can also stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps to regulate heart rate and promote relaxation. Deep breathing in crying helps regulate the body and bring it back into a homeostatic state.

How to tune into your human self

1. When you are emotionally affected by something, reflect on how you are feeling. Gently lean into those feelings and cry if you feel like it. Distancing yourself emotionally or dismissing any emotionally impactful experiences will only make it harder for you to tune into your emotions and cry. This also means not fully emotionally processing the meaning of the event.

2. Learn the habit of confiding in someone you trust. We tend to find it easier to cry if we feel safe, not shamed or judged. If there is something you are finding difficult to deal with, call a friend you trust, or arrange to meet and confide in them. If there is a compulsion to cry, embrace it.

3. In your therapy – if you have found it difficult to cry, explore this with your therapist. Understanding the reasons behind our behaviours is key to remedying them. Also, allow yourself to be human in the therapy room and embrace what unfolds.

4. It is important to note that excessive or prolonged crying without relief may indicate an underlying issue, such as depression or chronic stress. If crying becomes overwhelming or interferes with daily functioning, see an accredited therapist or mental health practitioner as it could be a sign of deeper issues that need addressing.

References 

• Bion, W. R. (1962a) Learning from experience. London: Karnac.
• Bion W.R. (1962b). The psycho-analytic study of thinking. Int J Psycho-Anal 43: 306–10.

The academic year is about to begin; many young adults will be leaving their family homes to start a new life at university. For many, this will be the very first of them leaving home (their nest) for an extended period, spending time away from their families, and social networks.

While this is an exciting time for these young adults, and parents seeing their children transition into higher education and gain independence, it is also a very vulnerable time for many. Some students struggle with the stress, separation, and adjusting to a new life away from home, which puts them at high risk of developing mental health problems.

These difficulties can at times get quite severe necessitating them to pause their studies or drop out. Some will continue their studies while receiving help, support, and treatment for their mental health.

Life stages and childhood – adulthood transition

The adolescent stage where most students are when they start university is indeed a crisis stage, where the child transitions into adulthood. This is not an event, but a process which takes time, with the adolescent oscillating between childlike states and tendencies, to being an adult who is able to look after themselves, and gain a sense of independence.

Many students who start university education are likely to be in their late teens -adolescents – or in their early twenties. These are not fully adults. Despite looking mature physically and outwardly, there are a lot of changes happening internally, pivoted by the surge of hormones. They are at a stage where they are learning a lot about adult life, exploring sexuality, and taking on an adult identity.

While the adolescent may have met all the developmental milestones physically and intellectually, it is important to keep in mind that they also have to meet the developmental milestones psychosexually and attain certain psychological abilities. It is indeed in the adolescent stage where personality and identity are formed; the child becomes an adult who has a solid sense of self and is autonomous in the world that they live with others.

The child also severs their dependence on adults – the parents – and develops into an adult, forming adult-to-adult relationships, instead of adult-child relationships. The negotiation between the outer and inner worlds can present a crisis to the adolescent and their parents, who are intrinsically part of this process. Some of the rebellious behaviours, the pushing of boundaries, and sexual exploration are all part of the negotiation, and identity formation.

Parents play a critical role in this tumultuous stage, where their presence and consistency in holding the adolescent through this transitionary phase is paramount. This stage is very critical, and it needs to be navigated very delicately, with parents being the moderator of what is acceptable and not.

Some young adults may not experience a smooth transition into adulthood and will see the emergence of mental health challenges including depression anxiety, self-harm, and eating disorders. Leaving home to start university can disrupt this already delicate process, making some students vulnerable to developing mental health problems during their time at university, away from their parents.

Attachments and loss

Leaving home, a familiar environment, means disconnecting from primary attachment figures (loss) – family, friends, home, etc. This spells a breakdown of emotional bonds the student would have built with their significant others and their environment. We may not see this as an attachment injury, however, this loss also means the student has to deal with absence and grieve for the loss of the significant attachments while fostering new connections in a foreign environment.

This loss can be profound for some students who become completely disconnected from their families, friends, support networks, and everything that is familiar to them. These are students who may have to move countries, cities etc. where there is not only an unfamiliar environment, but unfamiliar weather, climate, food, language etc. Foreign students and students who live far away from their homes often experience this loss more deeply than the ones who can visit home easily. However, this does not mean they do not experience loss in the same way.

Another form of loss experienced during the stage students start university is a loss of the old self – the child – and coming to terms with the new identity as an adult. This loss can stimulate ambivalent feelings about adulthood – while it brings a new sense of freedom, independence, and autonomy, being an autonomous and independent adult can be challenging – growing pains. Indeed, it comes with its own challenges of having to navigate everyday life without the watchful eyes of the parents and having to develop new relationships in an alien environment.

University culture – small fish in a big pond phenomenon

Many students who end up going to university are likely to have been academically superior, and popular in their former schools. They may have enjoyed the success of being in the top sets in their classes. When they start university, they realise they are just one of many others who are just as capable. There is often a lot of competition among university students, which can trigger a sense of being inadequate or being not as smart as the next person.

The rigorous nature of university studies, and the competencies they are expected to meet fuels this competition, which often becomes unhealthy, leading to anxiety and imposter syndrome. Many students find that they suddenly feel very small when they have always felt powerful; this creates a real blow to their confidence and self-esteem.

These secondary issues have a huge impact on their mental health, and how they navigate their new life at University. The newfound freedom and absence/loss of parental figures who keep a close eye on them can also lead to substance and alcohol misuse as a way of coping. This has a huge impact on one’s mental health.

Many students struggle with stress and coping with juggling their studies, academic life, social life, and independent living. It is not unusual for some students to end up experiencing severe mental health problems that require treatment from mental health professionals. At times parents have to be involved to support the students and keep a closer eye on them. In worst-case scenarios the students may end up deferring their studies, leaving University. This is indeed very sad and painful for the students and their parents.

Tips for students and parents to cope with University life

It is not unusual for students to struggle with their mental health in the first years of starting university. If you feel that you are one of them, here are the self-care tips to keep your mental health at an optimal level:

• Have a routine and prioritise rest from the library, classes, lab etc.
• Maintain a healthy and balanced diet, do not rely on takeaways-make your own meals.
• Make sure you get enough sleep and exercise sleep hygiene.
• Build a staple group of friends who are mutually supportive.
• Join University clubs and other social clubs so you can spend time with other people.
• Do not isolate yourself – make new connections and seek out new hobbies.
• Do not compete with your peers. We are all different – be mindful of the small fish in a pond phenomenon!
• Be mindful of peer pressure and how easy it is to lose focus. Peer pressure encompasses partying, drug use, truancy, and other delinquent behaviours.
• Maintain a positive relationship with your tutor where you can share your worries, concerns and anxieties.
• Stay in touch with your family and friends back home.
• Register with a local GP.
• Identify your University student counselling service and investigate the referral process.
• Self-refer to the student counselling services if you feel that your mental health is deteriorating.
• If you have a history of mental illness, identify your local CMHT and CRT.
• Parents – keep an eye on your children and try and have an open channel of communication.
• Parents – visit your children and make sure they are settling in well, and be curious about their new life.
• Do not ignore any signs of acopia or unusual behaviours, for example not answering phones etc.

For some people, relationships with their siblings, which are meant to be loving, caring, nurturing, and fulfilling, are a source of great pain and anguish. You share so much history, the same genetic makeup, you share the same parents (or parent), you made so many memories together – good and bad. There is just so much to reflect on and laugh about; what really goes wrong for this unique relationship to become so adversarial?

Rivalry and conflict between siblings are more common than is talked about. As a society, there seems to be reticence to accept it exists, yet it is at the core of my people’s suffering in life. This may be because when sibling rivalry is talked about, it stimulates some powerful feelings, including shame, guilt, blame, anger, defensiveness, sadness and fear.

In some families, there is often a desire to maintain a united front or a façade, while harbouring so much resentment towards each other. In other families, the rivalry turns into an all-out war, dragging others into it, creating an “us and them”. This muteness in not acknowledging sibling rivalry, viewing it as taboo, and not openly addressing it means many people go through life carrying many unseen and deep emotional scars, due to the relationship challenges they have endured, and the emotional damage caused by their own siblings. It is only in therapy that many get to learn to speak about it, and feel safe to do so, without judgment or the fear of being seen as the” troublemaker”.

Having recently read Prince Harry’s memoir Spare, it is clear that the running theme throughout this book is that of rivalry between him and his older sibling, and his feelings of growing up experiencing himself as the “spare”, the second best, the auxiliary. In the public eye, these are boys, now men, who have always been seen as close, united, and the model version of perfect brotherhood. This highlights how prevalent sibling rivalry is; it touches on every family regardless of race, social class, gender, ethnicity and culture.

When there is a perception that parents give one child preferential treatment, or if there is real evidence that the parents are favouring a particular child over the other, it often creates conflict, fuelled by jealousy and envy. Underneath the jealousy and envy are more complex feelings – anger, shame, guilt, sadness, grief, and resentment.

For the subject, there is often a sense of being deprived of something of huge significance (love, affection, attention, nurturance) that was made abundantly available to the other sibling/s. If the experiences that are deemed to be favouritism, or preferential treatment by the parents are not addressed, it can lead to deep-seated feelings of resentment towards siblings, which can breed throughout life.

What lies behind sibling rivalry

Sibling rivalry often originates from very early on in life, and it is fundamentally shaped by some underlying factors and unconscious processes. In some cases, the rivalry creates conflict that is difficult to mend, leading to ongoing relationship tensions between siblings. Here are some of the causes of sibling rivalry.

Birth order

Firstborn

We are competitive beings; it made us survive through generations where the unfit perished and the fittest thrived. Competition is healthy, and it also happens between siblings, even though we may not be conscious of it. It is however the nature and degree of it which determines whether it is healthy or unhealthy. Despite being born to the same parents, each child is a unique entity in a family, which has its own set of needs, and developmental journey to make.

One’s personality is built through a combination of many factors, the key one being how they experience their relationship with their parents. The proximity to parents, and age difference, can have a huge influence on the perceptions each sibling creates on how they are being treated. We all thrive when we feel loved, cared for, prioritised and we feel seen. However, if one sibling is always towering over the other, the child who is behind is often left feeling unseen and unheard, despite the parent’s efforts – this stimulates competition.

This is common in families where the firstborn tends to become a surrogate parent and, therefore, is seen as the one who gets more attention and exercises authority over the younger siblings. The firstborn child may be experienced by the younger siblings as harsh, controlling and powerful. It is a fact that the first-born child already had an established relationship with the parents before the younger siblings were born. The arrival of a younger sibling/s may stimulate jealousy, and envy, in the firstborn, and being replaced, therefore getting less of the parent’s attention.

The firstborn may also experience the parents as harsher on them, as they tend to be more forceful and robust in channelling the first child to success in life. This can stimulate a range of feelings in the subject – anger, frustration, guilt, strife to please the parents. The younger siblings may also perceive this as the parents giving the older sibling more attention, deeply impacting their relationship with the older sibling. All these factors, which may be unconscious, are foundational in the genesis of sibling rivalry.

Last born 

The last-born child is often seen as the baby of the family and tends to be viewed as the one who gets special treatment. By the time the last sibling is born, it is true that most parents would have become more competent, and confident in their parenting skills, and would have developed their unique parenting style. They tend to be more relaxed and less cautious, which can stimulate feelings of jealousy and envy from other siblings who may have experienced the parents as being harsher and harder on them.

The younger sibling is likely to remain home with the parents, while the older siblings leave home to start university or work. This also means they get to spend more quality time with their parents, which other siblings may not have experienced. This can be a source of jealousy and anger towards the younger sibling from the older siblings for being denied the same level of relaxed and due attention.

Middle child

The middle child syndrome is undeniable – it is often the middle child who feels unseen and unheard in a family. The first siblings get special attention, the youngest child gets a different type of attention as the baby of the family, while the middle child is often left boxed in these two powerful juxtapositions, deprived of attention.

The middle child tends to develop mechanisms to get attention from the parents, at times through academic excellence, looking after the parents, or just being the good child who doesn’t cause the parents any trouble. This can also mean the middle child not psychologically developing in the same way as other siblings who get the parents’ full attention, as they have to mould their needs around others.

Growing up in this position can in later life stimulate feelings of being unloved, and the need to look after everyone else in order to get attention and love. These middle children can also easily become servitude to their other siblings in order to seek to gain their attention and approval. This learned behaviour and internalised way of relating is carried into adult life. Experiencing the other siblings being favoured can be a source of jealousy, and provoke a need to put oneself as secondary in later life.

Gender

In some families, the children’s gender determines how they are treated by the parents and other siblings. This is most common in BAME and other minority communities where boys – sons – are seen as tokens in the family, and daughters are viewed as less than, secondary. These unspoken notions are not often explicitly voiced, yet they are powerfully felt.

Daughters are seen as liabilities, and they do not hold the family legacy in the same way as sons do. Some first-born daughters therefore feel the need to strive in life in order to match up the parents’ expectations of a son. Brothers who are in second and third place can also end up feeling competitive and rivalrous towards older sisters. If the son is the first child, daughters who come second are often treated less favourably. Parents’ own projection play a big part in how the children relate to each other. Unchecked this can be a source of huge rivalry and conflict in families.

Parentification as a contradiction

Parentification is when the child is given duties and responsibilities that are not age-appropriate. Parentification can occur in two different forms – emotional and instrumental. Some people may experience one of the other, while others experience both.

Emotional parentification is when the child provides emotional support to the adult, while instrumental parentification is when the adult assigns and ascribes adult roles and duties to the child. In practice, the adult may simply offload on the child, confide, ask questions, and seek advice from the child. It can also happen when a child is given adult chores, that are not age appropriate. When this happens, there is a role reversal where the child becomes the adult, the provider of emotional containment to an adult, and an involuntary provider of practical support.

Many a time parentification happens covertly, and the adult may not recognise their emotional and practical dependence on the child. In any situation where there is emotional parentification, there is neither a sensor in the adult nor a recognition of boundaries of what is appropriate to share, how much can be shared with the child and what is and isn’t age-appropriate. Children do not only grow and develop physically, but they also develop psychologically and have certain milestones they need to reach and accomplish. Parentification interferes with the natural development of the child, and accomplishing their own developmental tasks, as they are pivoted into adulthood.

It is not unusual for parents to have a close relationship with a particular child, at certain stages in life, or throughout life. In most families, it is the oldest or youngest sibling. When there is instrumental parentification, it is typically the oldest child who becomes the surrogate parent or the one to whom the parents offload all their troubles. The conundrum is that this may be experienced as a form of closeness with the parents that other children do not share, yet it is indeed a form of emotional abuse-parentification.

In some families, the youngest sibling, the one who leaves home later than everyone else, becomes the parent’s confidant and handyman. Where parents have relationship challenges, or separation/divorce, this child is left bearing a lot of the parents’ own struggles. Again from the outside, this may be a sign of closeness, which stimulates jealousy and envy from other siblings, internally it may not be the same, there is a contradiction.

Trauma

At times parents may have closer relationships with a particular child than the others due to the child’s developmental journey. When there is developmental trauma for example sickness, disease, disability or some form of injury, accident etc. the parents tend to pay a close eye on that sibling and develop a closer relationship. Temperament from birth, how smoothly the child reached their developmental milestones, and academic and intellectual abilities also determine the quality of relationships the parents develop with the child.

The parents may become overprotective, cautious, and more careful when dealing with a child who is seen as vulnerable than not. This response to trauma can indeed impact the relationship between the other siblings who may feel deprived of the same level of attention developed with the particular child who had a traumatic or challenging upbringing. In other families, it is the brighter child who gets more attention from the parents, overshadowing the not-so-bright siblings. This can also be a source of conflict and rivalry.

Narcissistic parents, generational traumas, and transference

We often forget that parents were children once upon a time, and they remain children at the very core. Despite being physically mature, psychologically, parents may be still growing, and have a lot of psychological maturing to do. No one has a manual or tool kit on parenting; parents learn to parent on the job, and they learn from mistakes. Parents can see themselves in their own children, as they were children themselves once upon a time. It is not unusual for parents to unconsciously project their own unmet needs onto their children, thereby stimulating or fuelling rivalry between them.

Sibling rivalry is common in dysfunctional families. The dysfunction lies in the parents, in their own conflicts, their unmet childhood needs, and how they were parented – it has a generational constellation. Parents who are “narcissistic” are unable to accept responsibility for their own failures or insecurities, they risk having a narcissistic psychic collapse. It is often the case that the drama that the children unconsciously play out is on behalf of the parents who are not able to confront their own traumas and address their own unmet needs from their childhood.

For example, a mother who felt unloved by her own mother can develop a perverse relationship with her daughter where she lives vicariously through her – there are no boundaries and she will do anything to make sure that child is given special treatment over others. Another example is a father who may have had a harsh father himself; he either becomes very harsh towards his own son/s, or too relaxed and unboundaried to the detriment of his relationships with other siblings.

A parent or parents may like a child who reminds them of a past figure grandparent etc. or resent them for the same depending on the type of relationship with that lost person. This is a transference, a way of relating that is based on an internalised early figure. If it is a negative transference, the child is treated favourably and if it is a negative transference, parents can become very harsh towards that child as they remind them of an early life figure.

Freud (1913) described transference as an unconscious phenomenon that is omnipresent in relationships we create with others; it is an act of projecting an internal experience into the external world. With this unconscious drama being played out, rivalry breeds, with the parents being the creators and choreographers. This type of sibling rivalry is very common and most harmful as it often engulfs the whole family with parents taking sides, due to their close identification with one or more of the children. This is a painful place to be, due to the powerful nature of the projections, and how we often act out what is being projected.

Managing an unhealthy relationship with a sibling

If you are someone who has an unhealthy relationship with a sibling, here are some ways to manage it:

• Maintain a respectful and boundaried relationship with your sibling, don’t force things.
• Do not compare your sibling relationships with other families. Each family is different, and it comes with its own unique generational traumas.
• Create healthy relationships with other siblings and family members where you can have mutually nurturing relationships.
• Be curious and ask your parents stories about their own childhood and life. There is a lot to discover from people’s stories and how they grew up which may explain some of the dynamics.
• Remind yourself that not having a healthy relationship with a sibling is not a sign of failure, and it doesn’t mean you do not deserve other loving relationships.
• Consider therapy for you and your sibling if you really want to talk things through in a safe space.
• Consider family therapy if the sibling rivalry spans into the whole family dynamic. This form of therapy can help you all heal as a family and find the language to describe your experience in a more reflective way without blaming and shaming.
• Consider individual therapy to address this form of relational trauma. It can be very confusing and unsettling to not feel loved and valued by people who should be closest to us.
• If you are a first child, try and reflect on the impact of your position and behaviour on your younger siblings, and your relationship with your parents – were you parentified in some way? What is the impact on you?
• If you are a middle child, reflect on your needs and identify what you consider unmet and how it relates to the way to deal with relationships as an adult.
• If you are the last-born child, try and reflect on your position and what it meant to you and your siblings.
• If you are a parent, and you have children in conflict, do reflect on what you are bringing in from your own past. Address it separately, in therapy. That’s an act of love for your children.