The Oxford Dictionary defines ghosting as “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone, by suddenly and without explanation, withdrawing all communication”. Being ghosted is probably one of the most painful experiences to ever happen to anyone.

The abrupt and unanticipated nature of ghosting is often experienced as a form of emotional violence; it hurts. The ghosted person is left with a lot of unanswered questions, and the whole experience can be wounding, leaving one completely terrified of ever dating again.

There is typically a lot of emotional investment from the person who is ghosted, or at times both, and things seem to be going well. It all suddenly ends, with no warning. The person one was emotionally getting closer and closer to, evaporates into thin air. Most people who have been ghosted, report being blocked on all social media platforms, phones, WhatsApp, and any other apps that would give them access to the person who ghosted them. This can all be incredibly confusing, disorientating, and truly maddening.

Ghosting has become such a common phenomenon, and the hashtag “ghosting” trends on many social media platforms (Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok), where people share their stories of being ghosted. It seems there is a collective healing for victims of ghosting in sharing these stories and validating each other. Curiously, it appears, that it’s only the victims of ghosting who discuss their experiences, and never the ghosting perpetrators. This stimulates a lot of questions about why, and the inner workings of the person who ghosts others.

The new paradigm of internet/online dating has translated into a plethora of dating platforms and apps. This has certainly changed the dating approach from its conventional, and traditional ways. Dating platforms and Apps such as Tinder, EHarmoney, OKCupid, Hinge, Bumble, Match, Zoosk, etc. have millions of subscribers worldwide. GQ Magazine stated that in 2022, there were 5 million UK subscribers on E-Harmony, 3 million on Match.com, 4 million on OKCupid; the numbers of people on all the other platforms are staggering.

Before the rise and popularity of online dating, people would meet in pubs, bars, at parties, at work, at times randomly, or get introduced by family or friends. It was natural for people to know each other first, before dating, and relationships would develop organically. The pandemic with all the subsequent lockdowns disrupted people’s lives in such a profound way. People were locked up in their homes, and there were no longer opportunities to meet in more natural ways, as they used to. This also transformed into an increase in online dating, which is now the most common way of meeting potential partners.

Exploring the embodiment of the self in techno culture, Lemma (2015) views the nature of online dating as one that creates a short-circuiting of the work of desire, where there is instant gratification, and things happen in the moment. By simply logging onto the platform, one has access to thousands of profiles and potential dates. This affects how we relate to others intimately and challenges how intimacy is experienced on and offline. These virtual relationships can be very intense and surreal, as there is an illusory and seductive sense of safety.

The impersonal nature of it, and the screen acting as a barrier, can make someone who is ordinarily shy, lose their inhibitions, and feel empowered and confident to approach or interact with others on the online platforms. Lemma (2015) suggests that “The technological environment of cyberspace can thus confuse the boundaries between internal and external worlds, creating the illusion that internal and external reality are isomorphic” (p.7). We therefore need to revisit intimacy, and how it is experienced in the context of online dating.

Psychoanalytic perspectives of ghosting

The paradox is that while the person who has been ghosted is left with a whole range of emotions – inadequacy, insecurity, shame, guilt, sadness, anger, vulnerable and confusion – these feelings seem to mirror what the person who ghosts may be feeling subjectively. There is a projective identification (Klein, 1946), a phenomenon where intolerable feelings in the person who ghosts are projected into the other person, and the recipient reacts to it as if it’s their own.

Klein (1946) considered projective identification as one of the most primitive forms of communication, during the earliest stages of life (paranoid schizoid position), where the baby mitigates the death instinct by mobilising these projective defence mechanisms. With projective identification the projections are “into” the mother’s breast, at times the good is projected for safekeeping (Klein, 1946). The person who ghosts simply projects their feelings “into” the victim, leaving the recipient to grapple with these feelings- shame, guilt, inadequacy, sadness, anger, confusion and vulnerability. The reason why the person ghosts is because they are unable to take back these projections, own them, and make sense of them.

People who ghost, yearn to have connections with others; that’s why they attempt to engage. However, they are fearful of emotional intimacy and will do everything they can to keep a distance, even if it means pushing people away and hurting them. They do this as a way of protecting themselves, as intimacy is seen as threatening. The sad part about it is that there is a part of them that genuinely wants to connect with others, but the act of connecting becomes unbearably threatening.

Glasser (1979) hypothesises with way of relating as a “core complex” where a double bind is created due to the fear of engulfment, leading to one keeping a distance. This distance then stimulates feelings of abandonment, which creates a double bind where one oscillates. The ‘ghoster’ will pivot between these two positions – wanting to connect and shutting down any form of emotional intimacy. Glasser (1979) views this as an infant’s form of self-preservation, which is very much led by anger and sadistic feelings. Self-preservation is indeed the underlying reason for ghosting.

An attachment perspective of ghosting – avoidant attachment

People who ghost are likely to have avoidant attachment styles. Avoidant attachment is one of the three insecure attachment styles coined by John Bowlby (1969). Bowlby worked with Mary Ainsworth et al, (1970; 1978) to carry out infant observations, investigating how infants’ responded to separation from their caregivers, their level of distress, their response to strangers, and their response to being reunited with the parent.

Through this empirical work, they formulated that from as young as one year old, an infant has already begun to create these internal working models (attachment styles), and this can be discerned by observing how the infant interacts with the environment and behave around strangers.

Bowlby (1969) suggests that securely attached children who had received sensitive care in the first year of life would typically seek proximity with their caregiver, and show contact maintaining behaviours when reunited with their carer on their return. The children who did not have sensitive care in their first year of life were highly defended and showed avoidance ‘flight’ or resistance (fight) in reunion with their parents.

These observations would allow the classification of whether children are securely or insecurely attached and helped in deducing the child’s emotional development (Ainsworth; 1978). The psychological health of an individual and relationship patterns are postulated to be directly affected by the quality of the relationship between the baby and the primary caregiver, and the attachment pattern built during these formative years. These attachment styles are internalised, and they get reactivated in adult relationships and cause psychological ill-health if there is a disruption (Bowlby, 1969).

In these dynamics, the role of the parent as a reliable, trustworthy, consistent, and solid caregiver is vital. Fundamentally, Bowlby viewed human connections (attachments) as key to our being and as an evolutionary component.

Although established in childhood, attachment styles shape how we interact with others, respond to loss, distress, seek help in life and behave. In romantic relationships our attachment styles which are these internal workings models are illuminated in such a profound way. Following Bowlby’s (1969) formulation of the anxious-avoidant attachment style, anxiously attached adults are people who are likely to have had mixed messages from their caregivers. They could not depend on them, they had to care for themselves by keeping a distance, in order to feel safe.

Avoidant people tend to repeat the same pattern in romantic relationships-making bids for closeness and pulling away. If one had a secure attachment with their caregiver/parent, in childhood, they are likely to approach adult romantic relationships from a place of confidence, autonomy and maturity.

If one had an insecure-avoidant attachment, they are likely to play out the internalised way of relating, where they are in a double bind of seeking closeness and distancing-ghosting. From an attachment perspective, caregivers of the avoidant child would have not provided them with enough safety and security and they could not rely on the parent to meet their basic needs. In adulthood the romantic context provoked feelings of dependency which are abated by ghosting.

Self-care tips after being ghosted

As a therapist, I have worked with people on both camps, and l am taken aback by how vulnerable the person who ghosts equally feels. People who ghost others may present as confident, mature, and secure, yet underneath they feel very insecure, and fearful of intimacy. Ghosting is their way of regaining control in a situation where they are feeling less and less in control. Understanding this is likely to help you distance yourself from viewing the ghosting as something that you caused or that is about your own inadequacy.

If you have been ghosted it is important that you reflect on your experience with that person and your role. Do not always see yourself as the victim; someone who is unlovable or inadequate. It may not be your fault, as you were simply dealing with someone who has an avoidant attachment style.

If you are someone who tends to ghost when dating partners, you may need to reflect on yourself and seek therapy. The good thing is that insecure attachment styles can be repaired, and one can develop a more secure attachment by having partners who are consistent, reliable, and dependable and make us feel safe and secure.

If you have been ghosted, self-care is a significant part of your recovery from it. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Journal about it if you can, engage with hobbies, sleep well and eat well. Try to do things that distract you and divert your attention from thinking about the ghosting experience. Eat well, exercise, and spend time in nature. This will help you heal more swiftly.

Avoid getting into a habit of snooping online and trying to find what the other person is doing. Some people may feel so hurt that they want to seek revenge. They may create ghost profiles to check on the other person’s social media, etc. This will not help you in the short term and long term. It is likely as it is likely to cause you more anguish and it’s easy to start ruminating about the whole experience.

Ghosting can be very traumatic. Seek therapy if you are finding it hard to overcome the trauma of being ghosted as it may have provoked other childhood wounds around loss, abandonment, and rejection.

References

Ainsworth, M.D.S., Blehar, M.C., Waters, E, and Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Oxford, UK

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books.

Glasser, M. (1979) Some aspects of the role of aggression in perversions. In Rosen, I. (ed) Sexual Deviations, (2nd Editions) Oxford: Oxford University Press

Klein, M. (1946). Notes on Some Schizoid Mechanisms. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 27, 99-110.

Lemma, (2013) Psychoanalysis in times of technoculture: Some reflections on the fate of the body in virtual space. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, Vol 96 (3): 569-82.

GQ Magazine
Accessed, 03/04/2023

Oxford Dictionary
Accessed, 03/04/2023

Divorce or separation where there are children involved is not always easy for the adults, let alone the children. Emotions are high in most situations, as what was “until death do us part” turns into “death wishes” due to the level of acrimony. Often there is rancour – bitterness, anger, resentment and a desire to punish, blame, and shame each other.

In the UK alone, between January and March 2022, the Family Courts recorded 30,152 divorce petitions (Gov.UK, 2022). The Office of National Statistics recorded 113, 505 divorces in 2021 (ONS, 2021). In 2023, many leading family law firms in the UK reported a spike in divorces, with a prediction of 50% of marriages ending up in divorce. Many of these divorces are between parents who have children, some of them very young. In addition to that, there are many other children from non-married parents who separate and have to go through the same painful process of witnessing their parents’ relationship breaking down.

Sadly, what should be a process that involves two adults disentangling their lives from each other, turns into a battle where children become collateral damage. This is so because parents often forget their children’s own emotional needs and the impact of the divorce or separation on them. Their focus is on themselves individually, or the other parent. Some parents will even use their children as pawns, and weaponise their relationships with them, against the other parent.

Loss and trauma in divorce and separation

Trauma can be defined as an exposure to an event, or a series of events that are emotionally disturbing or life-threatening, with lasting effects on the individual’s functioning – mental, physical, social, emotional and general well-being (De Kolk, McFarlane and Weisaeth, 1996).

Trauma is pervasive, and it has an enduring impact on the subject, no matter how long the original trauma took place. De Kolk (2014) argues that trauma is not what happened to you, but how you responded to the traumatic situation. This highlights the significance of how the parents deal with the divorce or separation themselves as individuals, and how they support their children through it.

A psychoanalytic definition of trauma was given by Chertoff (1996) who postulates that trauma is an event or a series of events which specifically overwhelms ego defences, causing the traumatised person to regress into earlier modes of functioning. The breakdown of a marriage or relationship is indeed a multi-layered loss, a form of trauma. There is a loss (death) of a relationship, loss of identity, loss of a shared home, loss of mutual relationships, and loss of life as a couple. Things will never be the same again, and this can be disillusioning; coming from a place of interdependence to being self-sustaining can be very frightening.

Whenever there is a loss, there has to be a grieving process; with it comes a range of feelings – shock, shame, sadness, guilt, anger, and acceptance (in no particular order). This loss disrupts one’s life, threatens one’s identity, disrupts the future, gets one to reevaluate the meaning of life altogether and reconsider their place in society. Some parents experience a huge amount of anger, guilt and shame either for not saving the relationship or for staying longer than they should have done. The adults are able to process these emotions, unlike the children who are in the shadows of the parents’ experiences.

The child and the adult

The breakdown of the parental relationships can be viewed as an attachment injury from an attachment perspective (Bowlby, 1962). Children create emotional bonds with both caregivers (parents) as they grow up, as well as an attachment to their environment. These bonds are strengthened by consistency, and constancy, and help them create an internal sense of security.

Any breakdown of these attachments is very threatening to the child’s ego, which is still very fragile and weak. The breakdown of a parental relationship can create a long-lasting attachment injury on the child, which can impact their adult life in many ways. Poor self-esteem, poor self-image, identity insecurities, and difficulties in interpersonal, and romantic relationships is often a result.

It is true that many people who access therapy in adulthood are products of divorced parents or unmarried parents who had a relationship breakdown in their early life. Their issues often stem from that early “trauma” due to the breakdown of their parental relationship. Divorce and separation is a loss and a form of trauma for the children who lose the potential for growing up with loving parents who are together, living in the same home. This process becomes even more difficult when new partners emerge on either side.

Where are the children in the equation?

The intensity of feelings provoked by the relationship breakdown can override the capacity for parents to think rationally and put their children’s interests first. Sadly, some parents use their children to leverage their process, practically, emotionally and financially. This is unfair on the child and burdens them with adult life situations and complex emotions, that they should not be involved with. It is indeed very damaging as children have no emotional capacity to process these complex emotions. Instead of protecting the children, some parents put the children at the centre of their battles.

How to co-parent in a healthy way

Tips on healthy co-parenting

1. Don’t talk badly about the other parent with your child/children. They are innocent and deserve to be kept out of your battles.
2. Do not discourage your child/ren from having a relationship with the other parent. You are simply creating a situation where once they are adults, and more aware, they will learn the truth and hate you for it.
3. Don’t overshare with your child/ren or turn them into your confidants. It’s perfectly fine for children to be told that their parents will no longer be together, but it’s not OK to download the details of the relationship onto the child/ren. It will only confuse them than help you or them. Children are very emotionally vulnerable; emotionally burdening them can lead to behavioural problems, emotional difficulties and other developmental disruptions.
4. Learn to communicate well with your ex-partner putting your child’s interest at heart. Avoid situations where you openly argue in front of the child/ren. Being difficult is not helpful to everyone involved, and it will only complicate things. By being difficult, you are punishing your children, not the other adult parent.
5. Honour and value each other as parents who have a dual responsibility in your child/ren’s life. No parent is better than the other and you are not in competition. Put your differences aside and focus on parenting and being adults nurturing your child/ren.
6. Stop emotionally manipulating your child and buying their love. Some parents do this by showering their child/ren with money, expensive toys, and gifts as if to demonstrate that they are better than the other parent. Not only does this confuse the child/ren, it works short term and in the long term, children grow to understand the love currency.
7. Many divorced or separated parents will start dating soon after their divorce as they are keen to start a new life and find love again. It’s important not to introduce your child/ren to every person you date unless you are sure that you are in a stable and exclusive relationship.
8. Show your children love and let them experience the same love they had before the divorce or separation. Create a happy home and have rituals to help you settle into your new life. You would rather have your children in two happy homes than one unhappy home. Create it for them.

References

Bowlby (1969) Attachment and Loss, Volume 1. Attachment. New York, Basic Books

Chertoff, J. (1996), Psychodynamic Assessment and Treatment for Traumatised Patients. Journal for Psychotherapy Practice and Research. APA

Der Kolk, B.A. (2014), The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking

Der Kolk, B.A., McFarlane, A.C., and Weisaeth, L. (1996) Traumatic Stress; The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body and Society. New York

Gov.UK. [Online] https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/divorces-in-england-and-wales-2021 (Accessed 29/03/2023)

Office of National Statistics [Online] https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/divorce