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Control is a form of abuse, so is other forms of coercive behaviours. Being in a relationship with a controller is unhealthy; it can be very damaging. Controllers dominate the relationship, leaving no space for their partners. The relationship itself is shaped by dominance & submission. Controllers do not only seek to control all aspects of the relationship, but  their partner as an individual, stripping them off their individuality. This can be depersonalising, and easily erodes one’s sense of self.

Control in Relationships

Many people in controlling relationships do not even recognise that their partners are controlling them. This is so because the controlling, and patronising behaviour is often coveted, and subtle.  It is often done in the name of love, which can be confusion to the victim, and difficult to pick up for anyone who has a poor sense of self.  It may take others to identify it, and highlight it for them. In some instances, controllers are aware of their behaviours, while others may not be cognisant of their behaviour as being controlling. Resultantly, they don’t realise how much harm they cause their partners.  The behaviour becomes normalised, yet incredibly harmful. This is why therapy is incredibly helpful for both the subject, and the victim. Nevertheless, it is the victim who suffers the most, where there is a controlling partner. This dynamic is typically a result of a trauma bond which is very difficult to disentangle, as the underlying trauma needs to be addressed.

As a therapist, l have worked with many people who experience control issues in their relationships-both controllers and victims. I am aware of how prevalent control  issues in relationships are, yet many people only become aware of them once they start therapy. This highlights how much damage control silently cause in relationships. Healthy relationships are created, they are not magical. It is therefore crucial that the discourse around romantic relationship dynamics  continues & the nuances of it unpacked.

Healthy relationships are nourishing, while controlling relationships are depleting, and damaging. Women and men are both prone to becoming controllers, or to be controlled in relationships, and it’s not exclusive to a particular coupledom. People in in same-sex relationships, polyamory, or heterosexual relationships all experience these issues. Controlling behaviour in relationships often coexist with verbal and or emotional abuse.

How to recognise control in a relationship?

Controllers are partners who:

• Monitor and/or dictate how you spend your time, and make you feel guilty about leaving them out.
• Monitor and/or dictate who you spend your time with make you feel guilty about it.
• Monitor and/or dictate how you spend your finances and make you feel guilty about it.
• Monitor or dictate what you wear & make you feel guilty about it.
• Morbid jealousy and accusations of cheating or betrayal.
• Intrude into your personal material such as going through your phone, bank statements etc.
• Blame you when things go wrong & being repeatedly made to compromise & give up what’s important to you.
• Make you feel your opinion is secondary & your reality is warped.
• Control how you should behave around others-edit your self.
• Gaslight and make you question your truth.
• Use their emotions to set the tone and control situations.
• Prone to use anger as a weapon to silence or frighten their partner.
• Undermine your needs, prioritising theirs.

Predisposition

Controllers are people who are likely to have grown up in environments where they had to emotionally take care of themselves from a young age, and become tough because they felt emotionally neglected, and vulnerable. A parent or any care giver needs to be emotionally available to a developing child in the formative years,  offering what Bion (1962) termed containment, where the emotionally attuned and receptive adult take on (introject) the child’s distressing emotional states and feelings, metabolises it, and hands it back in a detoxified manner. If there is emotional neglect, the baby never gets to learn to develop the capacity to process and regulate their own emotions. If this form of neglect happens throughout childhood, the child develops a defensive way of coping which protects that vulnerability. Becoming tough, in order to protect oneself is indeed a part of that protective mechanism. Emotional neglect is a form of abuse and if it happens consistently throughout the child’s life, it leaves long lasting scars.  Research (Bellis, et al, 2014) suggests that people who suffered emotional abuse (Adverse Childhood Experiences) are likely to grow up to become adults who have anger issues, other difficulties regulating emotions, have difficulties with interpersonal relationships, as well as develop frank mental health challenges.  Anger is a core feeling in controller’s lives, as it makes them feel powerful, yet they do not associate it with vulnerability. Deep down, controllers feel incredibly weak and powerless; controlling the other person makes them feel powerful. People who were bullied in their childhood are likely to become controllers to their partners, so is people who grew up witnessing their parents’s dysfunctional relationships.

The controlling behaviour itself is a trauma reaction, as one felt exposed and vulnerable as a child. We fight, flight or freeze as survival, instinctual reactions. One would consider controlling behaviour as part of the "fight" way of functioning. From a very young age, controllers' only way of survival has been to be tough, and this becomes integrated as part of one's personality, albeit pathological. Controllers often finds it difficult to relinquish power, and give up their position which is all they have known. Giving up the power also means exposing their vulnerability, and there is a threat of psychic collapse. This is why most controllers present to therapy with anger related issues, either in individual or couple’s therapy. They do not often view their behaviour as problematic, until the therapist points it out to them. Anger is what you see on the tip of the iceberg, while underneath it there is fear, anxiety, shame, worry, insecurity, guilt, and a lot of fragility.

Victims of controlling partners are likely to be people who have a very impoverished sense of self and lack a definition of themselves. They are therefore unable to fully articulate their needs since they do not know what they value, or not and the limits of how they should be treated. They often lack the ability to advocate for themselves, and depend on their partner, deferring to them to make decisions. People who are in this type of relationship are likely to be co-dependent on each other, one playing the role of the controller and the other the victim. Victims of controlling behaviours are likely to be people who grew up being made to feel like their neds were insignificant and secondary. They had to rely on others-parents, or older siblings, to make decisions for them. Being in the dynamic with a controller is a familiar place for them. Freud (1912) described this as a transference, where one relates to figures in their current life as if they are figures from their past. While this phenomenon is unconscious, there is repetition of the dynamics in these early relationships “there and then”, projected in the present “now” and there are similar feelings evoked. This is why people who are victims do not often realise it, as it is a repetition of something repressed, however familiar at an emotional level.  Freud (1912) argued that in repeating, remembering, and working through these early experiences, we are able to use the transference to unravel the past, and work through the early trauma that was repressed in the present. This is why therapy is significant in helping both victims and perpetrators of controlling behaviours in relationships. It is true that a big part of how we relate to our partners in romantic relationships is transferential. Some partners will unconsciously create  parent - child dynamics, while others will have sibling dynamics etc. These transferences are not always fixed &  get illuminated at different times- for example a partner can  easily become the critical mother, annoying sibling etc, or a simple argument can provoke a powerful response, as a transference response. The reaction is due to the familiarity of the experience & the feelings it evokes.

At unconscious level, what attracts us to our partners is the very thing that either we may have sought in our own parents, or see in our partners & want to regain & preserve it.

Couples can work through and heal from this form of abuse, if they put in the work through therapy. Individual therapy is also helpful in addressing control issues in relationships, for both victim and the controller. A big part of this behaviour is related to past trauma. Recognising that there is an issue is the first step into the healing journey, and developing empathy towards each other. It is true that some cultures normalise controlling behaviours in relationships, and women are often viewed as subservient to men. This is very harmful, as it often leads to other forms of abuse such as physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.

How to heal from controlling behaviour in relationships

Victim

• Recognising and accepting that you are being controlled is the beginning of the healing journey. When we acknowledge something in our lives, there is a huge transformation that already takes place.
• Learn to advocate for yourself and be firm & consistent.
• Make your partner aware of how their behaviour makes you feel and remind them that you are an adult, and you have the right to make decisions for yourself.
• Have meaningful relationships with your family and friends. Controllers like any abusers often alienate their victims.
• Seek professional help as some of these behaviours are deep rooted.

The Controller

• Learn to let go of the need to control your partner and the relationship.
• Understanding the source of the need to control and being able to reflect on it is helpful in managing this behaviour. Think about your past and when you were made to feel weak and vulnerable. Have compassion over your younger self and understand that is the past.
• Find ways of managing your anger, which is often at the root of controlling behaviours.
• Seek professional help individually and work through some of this childhood trauma that gets acted out in the relationship.
• Seek couples therapy & learn healthier ways of relating with your partner with their assistance.

References

Bellis, M.A., Hughes, K., Leckenby, N. et al. National household survey of adverse childhood experiences and their relationship with resilience to health-harming behaviours in England. BMC Med 12, 72 (2014). https://doi.org/10.1186/1741-7015-12-72

Bion, W. R. (1962). Learning from experience. London: Karnac

Freud, S. (1912). The Dynamics of Transference. - Strachey, J. (1958). The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume XII (1911-1913): The Case of Schreber, Papers on Technique and Other Works. [Electronic version]. Retrieved from PEP Archive database. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=ip,shib,cookie,url&db=pph&AN=SE.012.0097A&site=ehost-live

Freud, S. (1914). Remembering, Repeating and Working-Through (Further Recommendations on the Technique of Psycho-Analysis II). - Strachey, J. (1958). The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume XII (1911-1913)

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